Jolie Holland

I like her and she looks like my neighbor, Nicole. http://www.jolieholland.com/biography/

Ive been lying a lot lately, and I need a new story to tell at treatment centers. There just seems like nothing to say, and I know you are saying but they have never heard it. Well, I'm so bored with it, I cannot be passionate enough to portray a horrible set of circumstances, and the farther I get away from it, time wise, it doesn't seem that bad. Of course I'm referring to my mental and emotional bottom, that most recovering addicts experience, and the events leading up to it.

I try my best to make it entertaining, and it's certainly more of a ego boost when the patients laugh.

It's weird how the audience reacts, certain jokes or anecdotes can knock them dead sometimes an then the same jokes go over like turd punch other times. Surely, comedians and public speakers know exactly what I'm talking about. Maybe, it's all about delivery. Audiences get in group thought or some shit, because I've been in meetings where they laughed at everything, shit that wasn't even funny. in fact, what I'm going for is the laugh laugh ahhhh audience. The two two one approach refined by writer, public speaker, and preacher Joel Olstein, see http://dirtapp.homeunix.org:2300 and look at the section where Olstein tells his formal for converting Christians to Capitalism. Basically, the approach works by pulling the audience in and making the feel comfortable with humor, showing them you are fallible, a human, dragging them along through the debauchery and chaos, and at the height of the laughter, hit them with despair; giving them a thought provocing emotion rollarcoast. Then lightly end with getting a new car, job, and girlfriend letting them think it's going to be ok, and hopefully herding them in 12 step recovery. I mean shit, I gotta do something at night besides smoke pot and watch tv , so I need women at those meetings to look at.

me talk crazyp

i was reading a david sedaris book, with the Van Goh picture on the front, and i decided i wanted to tell blogger.com about this guy i saw driving once; i was at southern and highland, of course near memphis state, and this twenty something guy in an old white or tan car pulled up next to me and as i glanced over he pointed to a tv in his dashboard. I imeditelly assumed he had recently bought this electronic and he was kinda bouncing up and down with a huge smile on his face. This happend more than 9 years ago, and I still remember how excitefd he was about that fucking tv. I felt sorry for him then, and still even now, but realize im the only one feeling anything about that situation and he feels nothing. I think he had gold teeth too. I wonder what he's doing right now? He's probable pissed off about something.
Do you believe in God?

techo

so i ran from my house to ymca downtown, 2.7 miles, and worked out for 30 mins on weights, and then rode a stationary bike for 30 mins, and ran back home. I felt like a bad ass. I saw my friend Juan at the gym, and he was acting gayer than normal, kinda had a sparkle in his eye I could tell what he looked like as a child. He pissed me off, bringing up the ballerina, I cannot hear that girl's name without a circus going off in my stomach, fuck, it just happened. I obsessed the whole run home. It was like I wasn't even on Madison, but fighting imaginary men who want to destroy my ego. The ones I couldn't beat up, I pulled a gun on. Today I know I am completely insane. Is there medicine for this shit?

Doing H&I tonight at Parkwood in Olive Branch, im going to get hopped up on some coffee before hand and tell a bunch of lies. Hell yea, At this moment what is lacking?

Techo, or whatever it's supposed to be called is the best for working out.

What's up?

I make many references to a gal who got me good, and when she get's me it's fool's thoughts, but I dont care, cause she don't even know, im the only one who's showing anything and it's in my brain. A friend told me the other day im starting to sound black when I talk, and I was kinda of excited cause whenever I get to do my own thing, meaning when no one is guiding me I always go back to black culture for some reason. So if I sound black it means I know myself. I am Hard. Something inside cries rejection of what the world gives me, all the kids in my neighborhood turned into wiggers and I listened to punk rock and didn't take baths, not cause I really liked it, but it fit in perfectly with my reaction to poverty. Anyway, that shit is not really important, what is important is what I was talking about when my NA friend told me I sounded black, he was telling me how he was trying to get off lexapro, and his doctor told him to go from 20, to 10 mg's in one day!!! I was like, "nigga what, mane that dood don't know shit bout getting off some flour, mane mane, how many times he done a detox, stupid ass nigga, tell dat nigga you gunna start parchutting in 5's nigga at 3 week intervals." He was like, "but he's my doctor, and i trust him. Why are talking all black?"

I was talking like that cause he was acting stupid and that's how I talk to stupid people. "I trust my doctor." Does he trust you? Has he ever taken lexapro? Has he ever done a detox? Does he put his pants on one leg at a time? Some people make me sick with their stupidity.

I look

I look really cool today but don't want to look in the mirror too much cause my mind's imagine is so good. I have on brown pants, white shoes, black coat over a blue hoodie with a gray wool hat. I like how the blue hood hangs out of my coat. I feel urban so I went to the store to cure my caffiene headache and I walked the long way, upto madison, and down to the circle k on mclean. it's about 40 degrees outside, and I saw a guy i know, but i didn't stop, justed smiled and kept walking. he looked cool too, guess it's the weather, I got a starbucks sugar drink, and I thought about calling the store clerk a bitch just to see her reaction. I had on headphones and I couldn't hear anything she said. I downed the drink in front of the store and through the bottle in the trashcan outside the door. I listened for glass breaking but the basket was empty. I turned on mclean and tried to smile. I wanted bad for this one girl to see how happy I was as I walked down her street; enjoying life and such. I couldn't decided if i should stare at the ground to show introspection or look up and smile to portray carefreeness, but I almost walked into a street sign one time on mclean lookin at the ground trying to show the same effect and fear is good reminder. I alternated, while looking at all the cars hoping to show my new attitude on life. I didn't see that whore or she snuck by as I watched the ground. I saw a wicker basket broken without a bottom.

there's the girl who left me bitter

Man oh man, why do i always date girls who have Macintosh ies sp. maybe I will find some girl who runs Linux and beat her till she's dead. Lifeless. Some girls are really hot, but I know a microwave is just a microwave no matter how you spin it. It's 22 Degrees Fahrenheit in Memphis, it's so fucking cold I cannot go outside for more than 2 minutes before the bottom of my feet fell like I'm walking on ice barefoot. Some music is really good, but I know a beautiful pictures is just paper and plastic when it's torn all to peices. Wait maybe I should have said that about hot women, well anyway, same for them. I'm such an ass, I ask self rightous girls to name 5 women inventors, ha, that always get them rilled up, and everyone always says Madame Currie; that bitch wasn't an inventor, her husband did the work anyway, he was just too much of a pussy to stand up to that whore. Wow, I'm knocking em down today.

Here's my track list for a girl I'm trying to be in love with: well actually it's up there, I got this one. this is going to put the nail in the coffin.

Ribbit Wrog aka Ray Ray Rooster

Bummer, I have a headache and a feeling I'm making a huge mistake. All I want is to be in a band and have some teenagers kiss my ass, but my rap-blues-heavy metal band isn't doing so good since we don't have a drummer or a singer or a band name. All I have is Little Woodgrain, and all he can do is rap really fast, but I have hope that one day even my dad will be on the keyboard. I think im going to puke. This kinda reminds me of being hungover, but all I took was prestiq, supposedly some new wonder drug for depression. I stayed up playing "telephone" with a new lady friend and today I want to die. 2.5 hours late to work, and I didn't even get high. Strange how my life can get unmanageable just from staying up late. I use "just" to much. I need (blank)

stomach

Shut that shit up, you whinny little bitch. Who cares it smells like smoke. Why don't you whine to yourself for getting stuck in a job you hate, it aint my fault. It aint my fault, tell me lies tell me sweet little lies, just tell me. What's the deal with minutes being in 60's and seconds being the same. I keep stopping the gas at 59 cents. But there is milliseconds? WTF. Great being in love, misery brings good blogs, or poverty or both, and just for today im not experiencing anything but laziness, and hate; the ususally stuff. Bitch I'll kill you, Manson would make the family play this weird mind game where he would be walking around the farm and all of sudden he would make the members inmitate or copy every movement he made. So he would stop someone walking by, and raise his left hand and they would have to copy the exact movement. He would then move his head, or his other arm and the game would go on and on. I heard this from one of the women who was serving life in prison for killing for him, and I gained a little respect for that guy. Pimp's up, Hoes down.

This weekend I wanted to throw my life away, but instead I just transfered 200 dollars to my e-trade account. Things were good last week with my amd investment but that's all over this week with the volitile economy. Surely it will come back up, if that shit heads says one more fucking word about the cigarette smoke im going attack his computer with the ping of death.

I hate this blog and would deleted it if it mattered, but it would be like ripping a page out of diary, who cares?

trust verses truth

Well I will give you two for my one or five for the three.

I walked behind a large cloud of smoke and changed sides of street cause black people scare me sometimes. I looked into a window for anything I could relate to, and saw absolutely nothing worth seeing. I do that in life and then get surprised likes it's a sign that I need to be looking for it. There was nothing in that shitty apartment for me to see. I got around some normal people but it only turns out I was the normal one when the pipe and alcohol started to run through their bloody sores. Pus all over the table and the clams came out or were they oysters. Little muscle fibers with shreds of life still moving. Man, I know Just for Today it doesn't matter what I say or how it sounds. I felt like an outsider as they laughed and talked about people I dont know. I cannot believe I asked that girl over, if Little Woodgrain hadn't of showed up and insisted upon Open Mic night I might still be sick from the consequences. Write a line and deleted it, there is no fucking way i'm going to sit here all day, just to much coming and going to be productive. Man, maybe I will go home and play some Rock Band, maybe I will bust out the swiffer in the DataCenter, I like the way it smells.

oh time goes slow

when i was a little guy,
before i ever got high,
i stepped up and danced,
i danced the night away.

Time goes through

will this ever go away

Man, I have such rollerskating emotions: one day I want to kill her, choking her around the neck until she dies, and the next I want to tell her I love her and cannot live without her. I absolutely have no interaction with her, so all of these emotions I am generating. I don't think she has a clue how much I obsess. We dated for a month and a half, stopped for three months, then started to date again for a month and went to relationship consulting. I broke up with her as the fag consular started to cry, what a douche bag him and his boyfriend and their Vietnamese kids were. Actually, I never met the kids, I just saw their picture as I described my childhood. "It's all your parent's fault," was all that queer could say. Stupid jerks tried to send me to collections for not paying my bill. I used the free debt collection act article blah blah blah to get out of it. God, I love her man, fuck I want to kill her. It's Christmas Eve and the worshipable Sun is out. Love is in the air, and I am getting pimple under my right nostril; im sure it's this fucking lexapro.

Don't let me down

Psychiatry is such a load. I woke up every ten minutes last night. I had this amazing dream about being in love; me and this girl were sitting in a field filled with water from an overflowing river. We were landscaping someone's grandparents farm or something and there were lung fish making a path from the river to where we were digging up the earth or making a little creek. We sat there with our hands in the mud and were smiling at each other. I tried to kiss her and she avoided it and laughed and got up and ran off. I followed laughing and she looked back at me smiling. I guess that was the first time I tried to kiss her, and I was happy she didn't give me a talk or tell me about her boyfriend. I have never felt emotion like I did for that girl in my life. The character in the dream is actually a girl I know in real life, and it's sad that I just cannot be friends with any cute girls without having emotional dreams about them. The feeling was so intense, and I am certain Ive never experienced it in reality. Such a mixuture of hope and unbelievable joy. She was the only thing in the world I was concerned about, and I felt this appreciation returned fully just by her subtle smile. It was an absolutely wonderful dream.

Overeaters Anonymous

Well I looked up a meeting schedule, and now it's time for me to act. I cannot live like this anymore. I've decided I am not going to get in to any relationships with men or women for three years. I feel this will give me time to grow mental and spiritually. I need it; my behavior in any relationship is just darn dreadful. I am completely self centered.
During play practice there was a seven year old playing my child, well my character's child, and she was so cute. She read her lines really slow, and she had pretty blond hair. It was the cutest thing ever. I want a kid bad, but I want one who's potty trained.

D-Day or Day Three of No Lexapro

Fuck my mouth is on fire, not spicy but heat hot, Fuck. I have tomato sauce all over my keyboard and hands, and if I catch the asshole who did it I'm going to......Is it really even worth comment, not much is, just get in line and agree with everything. There is so much information about Lexapro withdrawal on the Internet, so I'm just waiting to have a brain reboot. I wonder what it will feel like . I gotta lose 30 pounds next year, if I dont i'm just gunna...... Is it really even worth comment, no much is, just get in line with the rest of the morons. I work in such spurts. Virtual Center just gave into my will, and I like it. I really don't have to make since to you, cause I dont have to do anything I dont want to, and the trick is just conviencing myself I want to goto work, and play practice and church, and school, and work, and home. I dont want to go home, bro. I want to send fictitous im's all day. Lick it, lick it real good. BrightStor see's the VM and it's actually backing up, it's the little things that makes me live.

Tiredness and VMWare Virtual Center

"Hey Bro, My Parents kicked me out again, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm broke and check this, I got fired Yesterday." A line from the play I'm performing December 13th at First Congo church. A play, wow, I cannot stay awake even though I took a caffeine pill; I would take two but it makes me cuss and shake. I ate half a strawberry cake and a huge piece of upside downcake, my head hurts from being in the position for so long. I've only said the serinety prayer 2 times today, mainly cus I was sleeping most of the afternoon. Fucking VMware won't accept the fucking license for Virtual Center, I am complete idiot so I like to reboot over and over again expecting different results. I'm just going to upgrade the piece of shit. blah. Oh man, I think a cubical mate is playing Huey Lewis and The News, Hell yeah, I can get this work done, I can be successful. I CAN.

The colors

I have been making these cables for a virtualization project, and all the strands must be in a certain colored layout. The more cables I make the more it all makes sense: the order. For example it makes sense that blue should go before blue white, the universe wants it that way, and every molecule of my body knows it as the truth. Solid does not always dominate the mix of whites and fullness, and when it gives into the so called female strand, it or he does it with grace and perfection. The Order has always been, and will always be, before you and me, before time itself. "I wish I didn't feel like an island." The order presents it's theory through out human history, truth or the full color strand presents itself, day or light, and darkness shudders in the presented brightness. Darkness destroys the light with nothingness. The absence of light or truth or good. When Truth is presented, society, which is sheepishly good, shudders and pays their respect, but darkness regroups and blocks the light from prevailing. The blocking is temporary and light once again shins in a new century or an era of enlightenment. Such as the world is divided, people are divided in how they play in the role that spins the perpetual Universe. People don't choose their light or darkness roles, they just play the part, and most have the audacity to actually be proud or arrogant of their blessings in either strand. The more cables I make the more I hear the voice of the colors and the order.

My first effort

I deleted her from showing up in the gmail chat window, she was dressed like a zombie for Halloween. I saw her staring at me, as I danced with the girl from Arkansas. she left with a bad look on her face. Good, now, I need 3000 more situations where I win. Where I take control. Every realationship has a winner and loser, and I'm sick of losing. Maybe I could recruite some bad ass to coach me into making the girls give in to my will. you know like pay this awasome instructor half my salary to get me back on the right track of dating and destroying my victims. Crushing all their self esteem so they are nothing and I am all.

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