72 North Belvedere

I woke up in piss and it was 4 o'clock in the afternoon. My head ached and I was slowly remembering the morning before.

"I've never felt this bad in my life," I thought.


I took the sheets off the bed and turned the ceiling fan on high. I noticed the dirt on the floor and the afternoon sun turned it orange.

I walked the hall, with the warped hardwood floor, the building was built in 1910.

In the aquarium my gold fish was stuck to the water filter and must have died during the night.

Modern Bounce

Ok I warned you,

First we make Computers, then we make them Smart, or the Capacity to be smart, and now we are giving them eyes.

My piece of shit Galaxy Android device has two eyes.

What's the deal with American Apparel, I hate to let everyone know but the King doesn't have any clothes on: their crap blows big time. Or am I just looking at it wrong.

they aren't a clothing store, but  a porn site made up of hip girls.
http://www.americanapparel.net/gallery/photocollections/models/meg/

Oh Meg, sweet Meg.    People are so impressionable.

I bought the website modernbounce.com for some reason last night.


thanks,

DirtApt

It was dusk on a Saturday and I swept up the debris and paper in the dinning room floor. The last bit of the Sun was in the top of the window: blue and red. I stopped and looked around the apartment, at all the floor stains and the broken window and torn blinds.

"This place is finally letting me leave," I thought.

I picked up a full garbage bag and started to drag it to the front door. I heard Mr. Harkins lock unlatch in apartment 1.

I watched as his door opened and he was looking down as he shuffled across the threshold. He looked up and smiled.

"I am sure going to miss you, Brad" said Mr. Harkins standing there in his soiled t-shirt, suspenders, old slacks and bare feet. His toe nails were hideous.

"Yeah me too, you have been a great friend, Mr H." I said and smiled.

"How long did you live here again, six or seven years?"

"I would have lived here seven years in July." I responded.

"I am sorry that harlot's boyfriend beat you up, and you were the one who ended up going to jail."

"It's ok. I'm glad it happened. I wasn't tending those plants Mr. H, they were tending me. My life is a thousand times better."

He gave me a look like a father proudly looks at his son.

We stood in 72 North Belvedere's apartment building hallway with the dark hardwood floors and the huge wooden stair case leading to the top apartments.

A siren started and we heard thunder in the distance.

"You ever think about dying Mr Harkins?"

"I think about going to Heaven and eating pork and beans with Saint Peter if that's thinking about dying."

"Yeah, I am sure glad to be alive."

"Me too, Brad."

"You wanna goto Huey's and eat, and then see my new place on Central, Mr Harkins?"

"Oh Lord, Brad," he put his hand on the wall and breathed hard.

It scared me, "what's wrong?"

laughter

I ate cashews and raisins i threw away earlier in the day from the garbage can. I have to run a mile tonight and my stomach is full and you are so fucked. maybe you shouldn't go, but you are going to go, i have to go. So stomach ach hate. I can do anything with my new tattoo on my neck. yeah that's all right.

I got an Iphone

I unlocked the door to my apartment and opened the mailbox to see red and green.

Mr Harkins unlocked his door and the door upstairs slammed shut.

I went into a dream.

I got an iphone.



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old man harkins and the sorcerer's stone

"I dont believe in the Super bowl, Brad" said Old Man Harkins.


We sat on the front porch on a cool summer evening and listened as the doves cooed and insects buzzed.
The sun was going down over the apartment buildings and we could hear kids playing down the street.

"If I had a DJ name it would be Bingo Belvedere," I said staring where the sun had been.

"What's an eee jay, Brad?" asked Mr. H.

"Nothing."

"This whole world is nothing, Brad," he said with a smile.

He had on old slacks, suspenders, and torn socks. His white t-shirt was soiled.

"Brad, when I was your age I was addicted to amphetamines."

We sat in the plastic green chairs and watched the cars go by.

"Mr. Harkins have you ever been in love?"

"Yes.......yes I have."

I looked over at him, and he looked into the darkening sky.

"I was in love for two months and we had Johnny."

"Oh yeah that's right, well what happened?"

"It was a nightmare, Brad." he said as he looked at his hand.

"Tell me about it."

"I hit her in anger."

"Isn't Johnny in Oak Ridge or Oak something where they have nuclear reactor?"

He looked at his hands and I picked up my diet coke can from besides the chair.

"We were a happy family"

Crem de la Creamy

"You know my grandmothers name was Lilias."

"Oh you go by Lili, my grandmother did too."

"Hey, Ive never heard anyone else called Lilias besides my grandmother. What a beautiful name."

"lilias is a cool name, is that your boyfriend and you making all that noise?"

"Hey, uh you have a cool name, but you need to keep it down."

"Lilias, right? Hey uh, I don't want to embarrass you, but you keep me up all night."

"Hey Lady, I work for a living, so uh..yeah."

"Hey I don't give a shit what you want to be called, I'm calling you a rude cunt."

"Oh your is name Lilias, is his name Samson? You know from the Bible you obnoxious bitch."

"There is a story in the Bible where a wicked woman could not be quite -having sex all night long. Is that story about you? Her name was Lilias."

We met in the stairwell.

"Did you throw something at the ceiling this morning?"

I looked down.

"Stop listening to me fuck weirdo. Go sleep on your couch if it bothers you."

I was frozen in fear; I could not believe she was confronting me. I have played this moment over in my head 53 times. She just said fuck.

I mumbled.

"What did you say to me?" she said loudly.

I  never noticed how intricate the wood trim was around the floor.

"What kind of name is Lilias?" I said.

I heard Old Man Harkins door being unlocked.

"How do you know my name? God you are creepy," she started to walk up the stairs.

"Sam, my boyfriend already doesn't like you staring all the time. You need to watch your back."

"Ok."

Mr. Harkins walked out and yelled, "Harlot," as she slammed her door.

There was a waterfall in my stomach. I want to be away from this place forever.

"She is something else. I heard the way she was talking to you. You did what was right, Brad,  by not playing into her little game. Come inside I want to tell you a story about when I was your age."

OLd Man HaRkiNs and the Explosion in the Night.

I looked at the ceiling where the noise was coming.
I thought I pictured it moving as she moaned. I hallucinated in the dark.

I turned on the lamp next to my bed  and picked up a book  from my night stand.

I read and the noise stopped.

"Some stud," I thought.

I looked at the ceiling.

I pictured a nuclear explosion lightening up the dark southern sky.

I would unlock the front door to my apartment with Old Man Harkins waiting with his pistol and me with 20 gauge shotgun in hand.

Him and Her would run down the stairs naked ready to die out in the field and the muck and the mud.

She will be crying and I will calm her down.  He will be complaining about not having clothes, and I will hit him in the head with the butt of the shotgun. He will nakedly slide down the wall of the hallway in our apartment building.

She will scream as he head gushes blood and old Man Harkins will rightfully scream,
"Shut up stupid whore. He wouldn't have gotten hit if you werent fucking so much."

He acts as though he is going to hit her but waits for my approval. I shake my head no.

"Where are your goddamn clothes?" he asks.

She mutters something unitelligeable and I cup her breast and tell her it's going to be alright.

"It's going to be all right," I say.

She looks up at me like she has seen me for the first time ever.

Old man Harkins screams something unprintable as we hear the final explosion.

I layed in bed and pictured myself eating old Man Harkins and the lady from Apartment 2B to survive the nuclear holocaust.

I smiled as I heard her scream and the floor started to shake again.

The neighbor

I heard her having sex most of the night and felt lonely and alone.

It was a Saturday, and i unlocked the front door with a cup of coffee in my hand.
Old man Harkins was pulling a garbage bag out his front door.

"Let me get that for you."

"I got it,' he responded.

I laughed, "Just this once let me help you."

"Ok, I really do appreciate it," he sounded tired and aged.

I went back into my apartment and sat my cup down on the coffee table and returned. I picked up the bag and Old Man Harkins, held open the solid Oak door to the apartment building.

We went down the walkway leading out to the street.

"You are such a good neighbor, always quit and helpful. You know that harlot upstairs kept me up all night. Sounded like she was rearranging the furniture."

He stopped and I stopped, he leaned backwards and held his back and I laughed.

"That whore can fuck," he said looking up to the second story window.

"Mr. Harkins, I'm sorry we made so much noise. I will keep it down next time."

I picked up the garbage and continued to walk to the street.

cheese sticks frozen pizza and lucky charms

             I'm sitting on the encrusted green couch with the screensaver from Debian popping up blue and white squares on my flat screen tv. The lamp is on, and i'm listening to R.Kelly talk about God and fucking. Life is good and there is 3 inches of ice on the ground and I can hear the fears of the simple people. I'm simple. I walked to the piggly wiggly and bought a block of cheese, three eggs, and fresh milk from old man Harkins new milking cow. The state paved the dredge ditch road leading up to his place and me and ma take the buggy up there every Saturday. Am I really going to die? Everyone was in a good mood in the grocery store and I can assume it's because something has changed. Even though the clerk and employees have to get home along with the customers people just like their normal world being turned upside down by the weather. A gift from God.

           Sarah got into the Trotter's garden through the back pasture last month and old Mrs. Trotter had a nervous breakdown when she saw what that pig did to her flowers and turnips. That no good son of hers, Randy, said she laid eyes on that pigs just a snorting and a going and then her gaze just went off into yonder. She fell backwards and started shaking and Randy shoved a handful of dirt and a cucumber in her mouth so she wouldn't swallow her tongue. Momma said God didn't give us a tongue so we could swallow em.

my desktop

I need some more ram.

BTW, A great band for Bluegrass Music in Memphis Tennessee is Cypress Creek Bluegrass Band.
Check out their website for a booking. CCBB

So i looked at the radio

We walked through Graceland and I was getting into it. Elvis was just a fun guy to me. Gratitude for things it seemed. We got in the car and I started mentioning movies and such. We turned off Elvis Presley Blvd onto Goodman Road and I asked her if she would like to goto a movie sometime soon. 1.2.3.4.5. "I cannot........" long pause "...........my friend is coming in town and im busy." My stomach flipped. "Oh really when?" I asked. "Two weeks from now."

Weird feeling, moment of panic, "You know they have an all Elvis channel of Sirus Radio. Here let me look for it. I like Sirius radio. Oh maybe its on channel 6," I looked straight at the radio and when it hit 6 i said, "nope, 60's channel, maybe it's on 7," I adjusted to 7," nope 70's channel" I went through all the decades, through pop, rock, hiphop, and thank God we finally arrived at her apartment.

"I had a great time," she said.

I mumbled, "ok"

"Would you like to come in, oh I know your late for play practice, nevermind." she said.

I thought, "bitch," and said, "see ya."

I drove away with that feeling in my stomach.

The neighbor

I recieved a mix cd in the mail yesterday, I looked up at her apartment as the mailbox door slammed down. At the top of the hardwood steps her light was on.

"She doesn't even know I exist," I thought as a slammed the door to my apartment. I stood there listening for footsteps above and after not hearing anything I slammed the door several more times.

I heard the door of #1 unlock across the hall and the old man came out and asked,  "is everything ok?"

I said, "I think I have the flu, or a bacteria infection."

We stood there, and he told me about his mother dying when he was a boy.

I shut the door and hoped the neighbor heard how concerned I was talking to Old Man Harkins. I hoped she had her ear to the floor listening for any clues on who I might be or what type of person I am.

"I'm sure she will like me if she knew who I really was," I thought as put a cup to the wall. 

Why I substitute Mango slices for Real Beef Jerky.

Why I substitute Mango slices for Real Beef Jerky.

I woke up right before Drake and Zeke started talking on the radio, right before the sun moved over the stain in the hardwood floor, right before it turned 7:04.

Damn it was Saturday, I stumbled into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, took Welbutrin -cupping water from the sink.

“Oh Glorious day, provide me what I need to find that one I need,” I sang, while dipping my toe into a warm bath.

“Oh pretty thing, take me to your home, and buy me cottage cheese so that I might eat it from your hair,” I sung, sitting in the water.

As I Toweled off, “Dear Lord, please let me find her, so that I might dine her, and take her to meet dear old dad.”

I Walked to the couch for a slight nap, I looked and saw little bit staring at the fish, flipper and zipper.

“oh little black cat, why must you always do that, they know not your intentions?”

She meowed three times, and licked her paw.

“Oh you sly dog, or should I say goat, please find me a women so we can be together in all,” i sat and stretched and went to sleep.

A man appeared before me. He wore all white robes and slicked back his hair while standing on my coffee table.

“Hey wait a minute, do I know you?” I asked.

“No, you will be visited by a woman of great beauty, but be aware, she is not what she seems,” said the strange man.

“Ok, like what ive been dreaming and singing about?” I asked.

“Her words and actions on the outside of the flesh will be perfect to your eyes and ears.”

“Uh, does she like books, ballet, fish, cats, goats, flowers, poems, mangos and trail mix?” I asked.

“She will be perfect in all ways, all the way you will enjoy, and you will think you have found true happiness,” said the man.

“Will she wear a size 3 dress, and have brown hair and a mix of green and brown eyes, and wear cute little shoes and have two tattoos of anchors on each forearm?” I asked while I stood up becoming excited.

“She will have every cool thing this world could offer, but will not look pretentious or worldly in anyway. She will always intuitively know the correct things to say for you to love her completely.” said the man.

“Shit, when do we meet? How will I know it's her?”

“While walking, you will take a shortcut to the hardware store, through the old neighborhood of Eastland”--”but I don't know where that is?” I say interrupting.

He resumes, “you will learn many things and go many places before you meet. She will be the acid to your stomach, the water to your poop, the litter to your cat,” the man said while he raised his arms.

“Hold up, bro, you see that cat, you see those fish, you see this floor, you cannot just come in here and start telling me a load of crap just because your arms are glowing,” I said – spitting on the floor.

“Oh simple man, just take my warning, or you will surely DIE!!”

A cloud of smoke appeared, and he was gone. Little bit looked where the man had previously stood.

Meow

Meow

im e and Im an addict

Went to a treatment center tonight and saw my type of girl: hot body and strange looking face. or really just ugly, but not redneck white trash ugly, cute ugly, rich girl ugly, ah that's it. I dont know, im in love. She seems to be a hippie, and the last girl i dated was kinda of nerdy hippie girl. I like nerdie girls, those cool ones will wear you out, man. Sometimes when they are real nerdy they don't have a clue you are providing them something better than that douche bag with the tattoo on his arm he got out of the book in the front of the tattoo parlor. These nerds around here trip me out. Being a loser nerd fuck head is like most americans: they just copy what other ppl do. Trite, Banle sp. same shit over and over again. Fuck I might not look like shit head with the right fitting clothes, and im not going to say I like what I wear, or they are comfortable, becuase nerds are always saying shit like that, "at least im comfortable, I dont care what tattoo douche thinks," but i and a least one other person in this world knows you do care or you wouldn't be saying anything. WHEN YOU DONT CARE YOU DONT CARE. Fucking nerds, "I dont care what people think" Yeah you dont. I can play oblivion till my fingers bleed and learn hacker talk.

but I talk the thoughts I think, not what I think you think you want to think. Although, staying clean has giving me the ability to know what's appropriate and what's not, and it's also allowed me to see when im trying to fit in or stand out etc. Today I know the best way to maintain my integrity with ppl who are insecure is not say nothing. I use to think ppl who dont talk or have nothing to say were lame, but now I see most have nothing to say. When trying to be down with people i shouldn't give a shit about, I always catch myself thinking, "ok, what is the least racy, low key non significant thing I can say," if you go beyond that you are weird or agressive or anything but cool. FUCK YOU TATTOO FAGGOtS. THAT shit is lame.

They and them are just floating around either unaware or too scared to fix what's wrong with there lives.

Long live recovery and ugly girls. shout out to deaRp21 and KidL1dar 2. Free kevin mitnick and uzlus()#

obsession

I need to just put my mind to sleep to turn it off for a couple of months. Stop banging imaginary nails.

Of Montreal is playing down the street

I kinda want to go, and ive never been to the bar their playin at, but even though i have hope there will be fun - i know inside i will be standing alone, looking at the hot girls, seeing people i kinda know, wanting to get drunk. I have 6 other days in the week I really enjoy, why ruin the year for one show. I will listen to them instead and feel smarter and better than everyone there. Settled, now to the fish aquarium bubbling next to me. It's 30 gallons, blue and green rocks, with a neon light and a woodgrain background.

bike ride

i went to walmart on my lunch break and looked at the teeth whitening stuff, but eventually bought a bicycle seat and lock. I hate facebook, the seat is rather wide, and i didn't learn till later it would be disastrous. On my way back to the office I stopped at the volkswagon dealership to pick up a key i had left there for almost a year. A fat man with one snaggle gold tooth could not find the key after searching for sometime, and I looked at the tv in the waiting room saying breaking news; i couldn't see what it said from the showroom floor. I was bored so I asked him about leasing a new car, but it didn't seem worth it. I eventually got anoyed with him going on and on and was regretful I even asked. I wondered why he had a gold tooth. I'm sad, I went back to work, cleaning viruses, and ate a bag of almonds while finishing up. On my way home for work, I saw a women switch lanes and run a couple off the road, down into a ditch, and up a hill. There was smoke, and I knew the people in the car were afraid. I would have been afraid. The woman, i thought of her as an idiot stopped on the Interstate shoulder, and looked at the car as it smoked on the hill. I drove on and thought about how life was finite, how I would die, how we would die, how im dying.

I Scored,

       What a day, I woke up late and thought about praying down on my hands and knees leaning forward with my face on the hardwood floor. The sun was moving across the boards slowly, and I could see the dust in the air. I didn't pray. I was reluctant to run, due to having a 5k tomorrow morning, but I put on my polyester socks, shorts, and my tight black running shirt. My stomach is getting smaller, and my arms are getting bigger; i like the shirt.
       I rode my bike to the y downtown, and watched my reflection in the windows of storefronts of madison ave. It's a small bmx, and I look rather strange. I got to the gym and ran 30 mins on the treadmill, and started doing dumbbells. I heard yelling from the gym and was intrigued by the noise but was nervous to play with the black guys. I swallowed my fear, stopped lifting, slowly walked in the gym and started shooting around.
        Ive been practicing backing up to the goal, and turning around and shooting as I jump backwards --a fade away.         
        After a minute of standing around with a dumb look on my face they ask3d if i wanted to play, and I said "word" in my black voice. 
       I was freaking scared as we ran down the court, all the squeaks of the sneakers and the manly grunts. I think i would have felt about the same if I was thrown into an nba game, but I was guarding a 70 year old white guy so it could have been worse. 
       They threw him the ball and I fouled the living crap out of him as he blew past me and scored. I yelled "fuck, my bad," and my team started the looks. Anyone who blows at basketball, and insists on playing anyway knows the looks his teammates give him when they realize he sucks. 


A look of disgust i know very well. 


 I just started cussing over and over again, "fuck mother fucker, fuck" and I couldn't hold my black voice, my lungs were giving out and I started to think I was going to puke. I actually felt it coming up as they kept running, running, grunting, and yelling.
      "Should I just run out of the gym?" I thought. Pushing harder and harder they threw me the ball, and I shot with my eyes closed and my arms crossed as I recklessly released and it flew way way over the backboard. 
      Everything got quit......still.... 
1. "man that nigga," laughing cannot talk, laughing, "just threw that mothafucka." 
2. "He was scared he thought it was hot" laughing. 
3. "dumb shit was playing baseball " - said the old man.    
          Fuck it i didn't care anymore, I showed them I sucked and I had nothing to lose at that point. My nerves settled down as the players got back to business swapping points driving down the court. At one point after throwing in the ball my granps laughed as i stuck him hard, they threw the rock his direction to go in for the layup. I easily stole it and ran down the court, but i cannot dribble for shit and kept dribbling over my head which i think is a walk; they didn't call it. 
       My team yelled and screamed for me to pass the ball and i concurred. I passed to the top of the key and went underneath, I had the look of confidence and they passed the ball, i think by mistake, back to me. I dribbled with my back up to gramps, faked left, faked right and turned pulling up for the shot; it seemed like a life time as that old man left his feet. 
As we all know you cannot guard someone in the air, and any player who gets their defender to leave the ground can go any direction without interference. I did a perfect head fake and took my two steps as papaw was helplessly hanging. I heard, "go easy, man" from my teammate as the ball smashed into the bottom of the goal hitting me on the top of the head.  
    "Foul, Foul, fucking Foul," I yelled. Laughing, they ignored my complaints and threw it down court for an easy 1 point.
These pick up games are 1's and 2's up to 12. The game was tied at 6, but i couldn't breathe at all and was eying a kid on the sideline to take my place. My man was scoring all the points for the other team, and i kinda thought the big black tattooed guy on my team was going to kick my ass for being so sorry. 
       I was worthless, I had no self esteem. I started to breathe through my nose and out through my mouth and prayed, "Please Lord don't let me die out here." Strangely, my energy started to come back into my legs and arms. I started to pick up the pace. My team hit a couple of 2's and we were hanging in there. On offense, there was no way I was going to get the ball passed to me, so I had to fight for it. We shot, and I felt like I had never jumped so high in my life; it seemed like an eternity as a snatched the ball out of the air, coming down hard with a grunt and a raaaaa putting the ball back up. It hit the back of the board, bounced around the outside of the rim, hit the board again, and went in. "Finally!!!!!!!!" I yelled. The other team threw the ball in quick pushing it down the court and my man, the seventy year old, some kids grandfather pulled up for a 2 and swished it. "mane, shit" i heard as I walked to the gym doors. The other team won the game. The big black guy, with that new modern mohawk thing you see on young black men these days, and all the tattoos said, "good game, whiteboy-- nice shot at the end"
"Yeah, yeah, good game mane," I responded.
He looked at me funny and smiled. I got the fuck out of there before I killed the high. It was the biggest rush Ive experienced in a long time maybe since I was 10 years old; it was fucking awesome. I went back upstairs but just couldn't focus on anything but the game. I turned around and skipped out the front doors jumped on my bike and rode back home with a smile on my face. "I scored," and dude said "good game," I thought over and over again riding down Madison with my reflection in the barbershop and auto part store windows. "I scored"