Mr Harkins wears a dress

We sat in my apartment. It smelled of old wood and sweat, car batteries and burnt plastic. I could not smell it, but Mr Harkins could. He never mentioned it out of politeness. Mr Harkins was very polite.

I never mentioned his claw like toe nails and stained white t-shirts and he never spoke of my crooked teeth and funny hair cuts.

            "Mr Harkins, we get along well don't we?" I asked.
            "Yeah Ray, we do. You are my best friend."

            "I'm sorry we didn't hangout for those years when I was using drugs and alcohol." I said.
            "It's ok, I went down that road, and besides, we get along so well now."

Something New

I took 3 packs of M&M's, 2 bags of whoopers, and chili powder mango slices to the counter at the BP at Winchester and Knight Arnold:

         "Hey buddy, where you been? We not see you for two months or something?"

         "I'm around. Getting candy for the kids."

          "Oh man, you are a good father. How many do you have?"

         "4 girls."

         "That's great. Take it easy."

          "Thanks"


I ate the candy on the way to the therapist. I sat in his lobby and gave the people who came out of his office a bad look.

         "Hey Ray, you want some cold water or coffee?"

         "No thanks."

          "I'm going to make me a pot. Go have a seat in my office."

I talked about myself for 55 minutes and scheduled next week's appointment.  The therapist asked the next couple on the lobby couch if they wanted some cold water or some coffee as I was leaving.

I stared at the Side Porch - Steak House Restaurant while sitting at the light, waiting for a change.

           "I want a steak."

The light changed and I drove through Bartlett.

           "I think i have parkinson disease," I thought as I went down Sam Cooper.

I got off at Highland, but didn't turn left, but went right and then turned left to go behind some buildings on Summer Ave. I passed a fire station with lights on, and a bar parking lot filled with cars. I ended up at Holmes Rd, and turned left driving through Binghampton. On the left was a country club golf course and on the right was barred up windows and nice cars.

I asked myself, "If you were put here without recollection of driving to this spot, would you recognize where you are?"

The answer was "no" which was great: Something new.

Mr Harkins in Ketosis

Mr Harkins laid at the bottom of the stairs panting. The air would not enter his lungs and his heart could not pump the blood and he knew he was about to die.

Jim prayed to God to save him or to not hurt when it happens.

It was an apartment building, the stairs went up with doors at the top and bottom. Across from where Jim Harkins lay was the door to apartment 2, and that's where I was sitting.

I was day dreaming about being married and was annoyed by the unknown source of the distraction outside my brown wooden door.

I was at the dirt and grass dog park watching my wife talk to a man about his terrier.

The train was going by and it was loud. One of our Goldens had rolled in crap and I knew we would have to deal with it later.

My wife kissed me on the neck and a boy at the city skate park screamed an obscenity.

The sun went behind a cloud and I could see the tablet screen much better.

A little boy yelled for Toto to come to him and I asked my wife if you spelled Toto, t-o-o t-o-o. She laughed and said that would be 2 2.

Harkins whispered "help..." but I didn't hear him.

Toto was kicking his back legs on Walley and I noticed what a beautiful day it was with the feel of Spring. 

The view of the trees against the cool blue sky makes me feel spiritual. 

My wife is ready to leave and I fade back to the apartment with Mr Harkins dead outside my door.

"I want a wife and dogs," I thought as I got up to see what was causing the noise behind my brown wooden door. 

Drone cowards and Mr Harkins plea for help.

........ugh

white space.......

ugh.....


Mr Harkins, I've been thinking......

No,  that won't work,

Listen Jim, I've thought a lot about this.....

Ugh..

alright old man, I know you are Conservative, and as I get older I'm getting more Conservative too.

"I gotta take a softer approach," I thought.

I knocked on number 1 and stood in the dark hallway. His door was a rich brown with years of varnish and entries/exits.

I heard his bare feet slide over the hardwood.

the door flew open to old Man Harkins stark naked with a small creature hanging on his thigh. It was sucking blood for nutrients.  Harkins eyes were black, and the creature took one last drink of Mr Harkins and whipped his nourishment hole with it's claw.

"What do you want?" it asked.

I could not speak.

The creature started to climb down his leg and when it reached the floor, Mr Harkins fell back with a thud and a Catholic picture of Jesus crashed to the floor in his apartment.

The thing had black slicked back hair, and was naked. It had suckling breasts and claws like a squirrel.

It asked me again, "Hello, can I help you with something."

I was in shock.

"Oh God, what is with you?" it said as it started to climb up my leg.

I felt it's razor sharp claws go through my denim as it came up my legs and over my stomach, stopping in front of my face.

It waved a claw across my vision, "hello, hello you in there?" it said laughing.

I stammered, "ye ye yeah"

"Oh look, it's alive," it said, "why did you knock on our door?"

I noticed it had a smell of death. Like a dead animal rotting in a dumpster

"Our du- du- door?" I stuttered out.

It stuck it's claws in deep in my shoulders and moved it's head back and forth.

"Yes our door. Me and the old man." It said in anger, looking down to Jim.

Harkins was shaking on the floor.

The smell intensified a 100% when it spoke and I couldn't hold the eels in my stomach. I vomited all over the creature. It hung on the first wave trying to say something but i continued to vomit and it fell in the pool puke like a wasp that had been sprayed with chemicals. It was completely soaked and started to cuss and wipe itself off.

Felt like I puked everything I ever ate.

I puked for hours and eventually just assumed the thing had killed me and this was Hell. It felt, looked and smelled like Hell so I prepared for eternity and simply shut down my thinking.

The U.S. and England's use of drones is a cowardly act. Such tragedy as the thought pattern that allows justification of such an act to manufacture, program, or especially operate one of these machines.

"Are you done?" it asked, the creature.

"yeah I guess so, I'm done. It feels so good to be alive."

"I bet." it said looking around.

"what are you?" I asked

"I'm the force that drives people to participate in violence, savagery, and vice in the world."

"No shit?"

The creature paused talking, and climbed up on Old man Harkins couch, taking a pillow to wipe vomit off it's face.

"Listen bro, there are millions of us out there, and you aren't the first to see one of us. I've been drinking on the old man for years. I control his thoughts too. You have really been talking to me all this time."

"You know me?"

"Yeah, of course. You probably wouldn't even like the real Harkins -very conservative and stubborn. I was the one with all the stories about AOL and shit. He didn't do nothing and he never lived in Alabama."

"Woh," I said going to sit down in recliner.

Mr Harkins moaned on the floor, and I looked at him and said, "will he die?"

"Not if climb back on him in the next couple of hours."

I looked at the track marks covering his legs and stomach. Wounds of puss and filth.

"This cannot be real. This cannot be happening." I thought.

Keto Diet and hatred of life

Dear Diary,

I woke up tired, alone, and scared. My friend's girlfriend is pregnant and my wife says my sperm doesn't work.

I think it could work if it had a chance.....

Diary entry over.

Poem about Winter:
The tree rustled with the first winds of winter. Last leaf fell.

Checking in

Stomach hurts from nuts, but balanced with sugar free chocolate. Everything should be out soon.

House Alert:

New plants in yard, considering cutting the grass, filming starts soon.

Friend Status:

Dismal due to own interaction.

Life Alerts:

Bleak outlook due to nuts in stomach.

Overall progress:
Stalled

Weekend Update:
it rained.

Will you marry me

I knocked on Mr Harkins door, apartment 1A, and I heard the tv turn off, and his feet sliding across the floor.  The bolt unlocked and it echoed in the hallway of 72 North Belvedere.

"Hello there friend, come in, come in. So good to see you," he said.

I walked in and sat down on an old wooden chair.

"Yes sit down, sit down."

He sat in a filthy huge recliner with two tall plastic book shelf leaning over him. There was a 2x4 keeping them from crashing down and he could easily access the books from either shelf from the chair. Papers and bungee chords hung from the structure.  I looked through the books before and it was mostly theology and stuff about the Catholic Church. Nothing I was interested in.

His feet were bare and his toes were hideous.

"Well I asked her, I asked her to marry me," I said.

"Oh Ray, this is wonderful, of course she said yes?" he asked.

"Yeah, she said yes," I was smiling, "she started crying."

"Oh just wonderful. We need to celebrate. Can I get you a diet Coke?"

"Yeah, I'll take one."

We were friends. The only thing we wanted from each other was friendship and we both had something to offer the other.

"How did you ask her?"

"Well you know how she loves her dogs" --

"Yes, I know."

--"I put bowties on both of them and

Just a game?

"It's not just a game to me. I don't give a shit what you say."

"What does it fucking change if they win or lose. Nothing! You are such an idiot," she said slamming the door.

I stared at the stained wood with the glass peep hole, standing in the dark hallway. I heard apartment 1A's door begin to unlock.

"Ray, is everything ok?"

Old man Harkins looked up at me as I noticed his outfit of an old dirty white t-shirt and gray slacks without shoes.

"Yeah," I said walking down the stairs.

"What are ya'll fighting about now?" he asked.

"I kicked the dog when Joe Jackson missed a jumper," I said walking into my apartment. Mr. Harkins followed.

I picked up the remote and turned on the game, sitting down on the green couch. He sat on the green love seat.

"Who won the game?" asked Mr. Harkins.

"It's halftime."  I responded.

"I don't understand why you and everyone else takes it so serious. She's right it's just a game."

I stood up and pointed the remote at Harkins

Angry, "Oh is it. Oh is it Mr Harkins. What the hell do you know. Those kids have played all their lives for this moment. You think they are thinking this is just a game?" I stared at him.

"Well..."

"Was it just a game when the 1973 Tigers brought the city back together after some son-of-bitches bullet had destroyed the budding unity everyone was still working hard towards?"

"Ray..."

"Oh, it's just a game, I've pulled my hair out for years, destroyed furniture, ruined relationships for this team, is that just a fucking game?" I started to walk towards him.

"I'm sorry, I was just....."

"Listen you old mother fucker, was it just a game when I fell down two rows at the Forum on the Louisville fan and her baby at the 2005 C-USA Conference Championship. You like think that little brat thought it was just a game when I fell on his head. DO YOU?" I screamed.

"I'm, I'm....."

I stood over him.

"Was it just a game when Darius Washington laid on the floor crying after missing those free throws?"

"Ray, I didn't know what  I was saying I'm sorry."

The Memphis Tigers, have worked hard to get to this point. It's a once in a lifetime experience for the fans and the players. The television said.

I looked towards the TV and screamed, "see, see what I'm talking about. Once in a lifetime!"

I walked back towards my couch turning up the volume with the remote.

Shaq Goodwin in bounds the ball to Geron Johnson, and the second half has been begun of this third round thriller.

I watched intently and Mr. Harkins shook.

Disappearing Ink

"Fuuuck", I screamed.

"I cannot fucking live like this any longer. Either you start staying here every fucking night or find somewhere else to live."

"baby, I love you, I'm just staying at Liz's."

"Why the fuck do you stay there every Friday and Saturday night. I know, I'm stupid,  I've put up with this so fucking long seems I've accepted your whoreness, but I haven't!  I cannot fucking take it anymore."

I picked up her laundry basket of clothes, put it under my right arm and opened the back door with my left. I stomped down the back hallway, and made the same motions with the exterior door. Once opened, I stepped back and hurled the clothes into the back parking lot of the apartment building.

I remember the "Ding" of a bottle of perfume hidden under clothes hitting the metal pole holding up the fire escape.

I ran back inside and screamed, "Get the fuck out of here, and don't ever come back."

I paused thinking.

"You know it's funny, how in emotional situations like that, I was basically acting out something I saw on T.V. I have an image of a woman throwing a man's clothes out on the lawn. I've probably seen it a bunch of times, and I was just acting it out. I wonder how many other things I simply act out seeing on T.V. Do you think I would have done the same thing if I had not seen it before?"

The Doctor leaned back into a big brown leather chair with his notepad in hand. He finished writing a note, read it and then looked up at me.

"Brad, why do you think she wasn't faithful?"

"Because she slept with men," I said absently wondering about how impressionable I've been my whole life.

"No, I mean did you have proof? Did you catch her doing something that indicates this type of behavior?"

"I only know how to scream like that from hearing my dad growing up." I said looking towards the window.

"Brad, did you catch her sleeping with someone else before this happened?" The doctor asked frustrated.

"Jesus, I wonder if I have an original thought in my brain?" I said wide eyed,  looking at the floor of the doctor's office.

"We can discuss that topic, but please just hang with me for a minute and lets finish the discussion about Lori."

"I wonder if I'm even crazy, I mean not crazy but you know, do I need to even be here. Did I see someone on TV goto a shrink and then I thought i had to go?" I said excited.

"Now, lets just be calm together," the doctor said.

I stood up and looked around like I was seeing the world for the first time.

"Mr Sanpocks, please sit down."

I ran to his bookshelf and started pulling out books, opening, flipping though pages, and then throwing them to the ground. Ignoring the doctor I looked up and shouted, "I have a whole life to learn and act for myself."

I looked at bookends and flower pots for the first time in my life; I had to take it all in. I flipped couch cushions and examined paper weights as the doctor ran past me into the hall.

"Oh God the colors," I screamed in ecstasy looking at the flower arrangements sowed into the carpets.

I fell to my knees and started to cry for joy that my life had been saved. I wasn't the sum of my thoughts;  I was completely free from my past and could enjoy the future.

The receptionist I had seen earlier, walked into the room as I held myself crying.

I gave her a huge smile, and said, " I don't judge you, I don't see you as small and mousy, because we are one. I am free."

The doctor cowered behind her as she raised her hand towards me.

"Yes?" I said happily as the tears rolled down my face.

The world stopped as she pushed the black trigger on the orange canister. The pepper spray was at least six inches from my face.

I was hit by a blinding light, and then it faded and the pain came.From the tips of my hair to the ends of my toes: every molecule in my body was burning alive.

"You goddamn whore," I said falling over.

I rolled on the ground screaming right under the coffee table and tried to stand up breaking the center glass, and falling into the desk with the monitor and keyboard crashing to the ground.

"I'll kill you, you fucking bitch." I said with my arms extended blindly grasping for the receptionist.

I smashed into the bookshelf, and then crashed into the window, breaking glass and falling backwards.

"The last thing I remember is a blurry image of the short little receptionist standing over me, bringing down a brass flower pot on my head."


_______________________________________________________________________________

I paused briefly, "It all went blank."

Mr. Harkins and I sat on the green couch, I was feeling the morning coffee and we were both in a pleasant mood.

"Brad, you know I've been to Dr. Gaberini's office before, and I even know the woman who hit you." said Mr Harkins in his high pitched voice.

"You should have mentioned that, small world," I said with a laughing tone.

"Yeah, I'm not kidding you. I go and talk about Johnny and Irene. I haven't been over there in years, but I know the woman you are talking about. Mean as a rattlesnake." He said smiling.

"Yeah, she was pretty unreasonable, even pressed charges. After I got out of the MED, I spent two nights in jail."

"Oh that's awful."

"Live and learn, Mr Harkins."

Everything wrong with me

"Man Mr. Harkins, I feel like shit."

"Late night Ray?"

We sat on the porch. I had on gray sweatpants and  a hoodie. Mr Harkins was wearing old trousers and a stained wife beater without shoes.

"Sure was. I sat in the living room writing Melissa a letter."

"Oh yeah, what about?"

"How I hate her and want her to die."

"Oh"

Clippers, Floppers, Blake Griffin and Mr. Harkins.

"Mr. Harkins, everything is all good in the universe today," said Ray.

Jim Harkins nodded his head and said, "yep."

They sat on a green couch in a small apartment.

"Ray, why do those grown men roll around on the court and act like they are hurt?"

"You know I don't like to cuss, but they are just little bitches. You would think if they were so freaking good they wouldn't have to flop."

"Floppers, huh."

"Yeah, floppers," Ray said as he turned the volume up on the old TV.

Lilies left for Wyoming that day at 10:21 am.

"Are you going to be lonely with Lilies not coming around?"

"I am, but today just feels like a good day, like everything is going to be alright. You know I don't have that feeling of impending doom and I am going to be alight and you are going to be alright and the world is going to be alright."

"Yep yep"

The men heard two neighbors fighting above them. The floor creaked.The TV announcer was complaining about Blake Griffin flopping.

"Sometimes random thoughts just pop in my head," said Mr Harkins.

"Like what?"

"I was just watching the game and I thought of Allison Tallpole from my high school in Alabama. No reason whatsoever, just a picture of her popped in my head. I haven't thought about her in thirty years at least."

Ignored in the background...."Chis Paul gets fouled, and he is holding his mouth......"

"Maybe the place where you store the word flop in your brain is close to where you store the memory of her," Ray turned the volume down and looked towards Harkins, "Every time I thought of this kid I use to know from my high school I would soon there after think of Overton Park and Poplar."

"I don't understand what you are saying, but that Allison was sure something." Harkins paused for a second, "I do know where that intersection is though."

"I just meant that maybe the memories are close in your head. You store that stuff somewhere right?  I put Ed Langston in one place in my brain, and the next spot held my memory of the Overton Park entrance. Maybe they bleed over or my mind just checks the next few blocks to see it got the whole thought."

"You think Lilies will ever return to Memphis?" said Mr. Harkins changing the subject.

"Maybe, but I hope everything works out for her out there in those hills."

"I feel really good too today for some reason," said Mr. Harkins.

"Dem dere rockies," Ray said in a strange unrealistic accent.

Mr Harkins spoke in fake accent too, "She gunna live is those hills, under a big ol' rock. Yes she is."

Ray laughed out loud never hearing Harkins talk like that.

The men watched the TV as Griffin rolled around on the court holding his face.

More Old Man

Jim was quiet in high school, his friends called him little Hitler because he had a small mustache. He was interested in library science and planned on going to the University of Alabama.

--
A dirty apartment on belvedere street. Hardwood floors, bad smells and two men with a large age difference sitting on a couch.

"I will never understand women, Mr Harkins." I said looking down from the ceiling.

"Brad, me neither. I want them all to explode."

I laughed, "Some mess. There would be blood, puss, bones, hair, and teeth on everything."

"It would be worth it," said Mr. H.

There was loud thunder outside and it was getting dark through the blinds; we were sitting on my green crusted couch and I got up to turn on the lamp.

"I'm hungry, you want to make something to eat or go somewhere?" I asked standing in front of him.

"Brad, I saw a woman explode in the war."

I sat and we stared  into nothing. I waited for him to continue.

"I was in the Korean war in '56, and we were having rec time in the jungle."

"You were in the Korean war? You have never mentioned that." I said.

"I've never mentioned a lot of things."

"Ok, well go on, but I didn't think Korea had jungles."

"Brad, Korea has a lot of things, hidden things, things people have never seen or heard of."

I gave a nervous laugh, and stared at the floor as he spoke.

"My platoon was in the Jungle, they were all drinking beer and I was drinking milk, they were throwing up their hands, and I was praying on my knees, they were cussing, and I was wishing I was back in Alabama."

Bella ran into the room and stopped in front of Mr. Harkins. A quintessential Doberman pincher sitting on it's back legs staring as Mr. Harkins as he spoke.

"We hadn't heard a peep out of the enemy for over two weeks, and we didn't know if they was any of them left to even fight us. The men wanted action, and I just wanted to go home to Elizabeth."

"Your wife?" I asked.

"Yeah, my wife back home in Birmingham. We was sitting there and it started to rain and didn't quit until about 2200 hundred hours; see that's military time, Brad."

"I know, uh, 10:00 pm, right?"

" No, it's 8:00 pm, but close.
All of sudden that rain stopped and Sargent Bill told us all to hit the ground  and we did.
 I went face first, cigarette still in my mouth and I remember the sizzle as the lite end was extinguished in the mud.
 We just lied their listening to the jungle, staring into the dark green.
  I wasn't too interested in whatever they wanted to kill or see so I rolled on my back and watched as the moon became visible through the clouds.
 It was a huge moon, slightly obscured by the tops of the trees.
I remember it like it was yesterday, Brad.
Taking in that clean rain smell eventhough I was laying in mud and muck.
 My hands and back were wet and it was soaking through my pants.

Blooms of color exploded in my vision and I was in a new world. One second I was laying in mud staring at the moon and the next I was watching bursting swatches tear into a thousand drops and remerge in a cycle of colors. The dark green jungle became purples and blues, and reds, and oranges, and all those colors mixed together turning around and coming back to where they started. A sky of color. A world of color.

As quick as they came, the colors left and I was back in the jungle laying on my back with the smells and the moon.
I rolled over on my side and began to speak but as soon as I opened my mouth the colors came back in an even brighter array.

Images started to appear in the patterns, women, men, but strangely shaped like you would assume the color purple or orange would be if it could be any form. Rainbows of drops and showers of color. This seemed to go on a lifetime. It really felt like I watched this happen for eighty year; the colors and shapes were always different and I knew time was passing but my attention was fully focused. One of the most clearly remembered of the images, was a woman.. She took up my full vision. She was oriental and had oriental clothes and such and they were of an ordinary color;  not like the rest of the visions and she held out her hand to me. I started to reach for her and my arms and fingers were colors and right before we touched,  just right before my colors and her hand were about to unite.

 Brad I'm serious, I have never felt or understood anything like this in my life, and I have never mentioned it to a soul.

Right before we touched, a little envelope floated across our paths. It was kinda like a cartoon and it danced as it went by. Both the Oriental woman and I stared as it slowed bounced between us. It even had carton like lines behind and to the side of it to emphasize its movement. The letter slowly bounced its way into a letter box; like you would see in a neighborhood or a suburb of Memphis. The mailbox shut its door, and I heard the most incredible thunder of a voice. And Brad, remember this is 1956 or 57 in the middle of the Korean jungle, and the terrible God like voice said, "You got mail." and the woman exploded into a billion colors in every direction."

I laughed and Mr. Harkins looked at me sternly.

"I am not telling a joke, Brad. That's what I heard. I wrote it in my diary after I woke up, and that's not all; when I did wake the following morning, all my men were dead."

I laughed and hoped Mr. H was going to laugh, but he didn't. He just stared at my seriously.
Bella was now looking at me and began a low growl.

"God told me I had mail and saved my life in that horrible place."

I didn't know where to look or what to say, so I said,
"That's really interesting."

"You are damn right it is," said Mr. Harkins.

That was the first time I ever heard Mr. Harkins cuss, I realized he must think he is serious.

"Brad, God showed me email in 1956. I could have made a fortune when I got back home, but I got hooked on amphetamines and America Online stole my idea years later."

Bella barked.

Private Prison 2011

Where I went in 2011

February: Decatur Alabama 3 days, conference on youth violence.
April: Panama City 4 days, conference on antisemitism.
June:Petite Jean State Park 5 days vacation with brown haired girlfriend. See previous picture.
September: San Diego 6 days World Conference on childhood hunger.
October Little Rock 2 days Softball tournament.
November Knoxville 3 days Thanksgiving retreat for disabled veterans.
December Gainsvile Florida 4 days Young fly fishermen of America.

Green blobs float through the sky, and I notice cows on the hill while not noticing the brake lights in front of me.

Screech of tires, air past my teeth, three weeks late.

I asked her where she had been and she said in smart voice, "i was at my mom's eating turkey."

I asked, "was it turn key?"

She said, "fuck you"

Fuck you.

"Do you really fish?"

"Yeah, why is that weird?"

'Aren't you vegetarian?"

My sister sent me a text today that said  "....biopsy report was necrotic tissue with bacteria and some fungus."

Sounds gross on your tongue.

old man harkins and the mysterious dog leash.

"Please God, help me maintain my integrity, help me to stop bad mouthing everyone, please help me and Lilias get along, please please help me learn to enjoy this dog....of course if its your will dear Lord. Thank you for saving me from that old life, in your loving name, amen."

Knock knock, I got off my hands and knees -praying like a Muslim and went to open the door.

It was Saturday morning around 9 am.

I knew it must have been Beverly from the Jehovah's Witness place down on Cleveland or it was Mr. Harkins wanting help with his computer. Really wasn't in the mood for either.

I opened the door to Lilias standing there and she looked pissed.

She was holding our dog Bella, a doberman pinscher puppy, and imeaditly handed her to me.

"I've had it, I've fucking had it. I hate this fucking dog. I didn't get 20 minutes of sleep last night because of her. You want to give her away, go right ahead."

Bella started trying to lick my face and I put her down.

"Baby, what the fuck, you wanted the goddamn dog, you went and fucking picked her out and now you don't want her."

We heard Mr. Harkins door unlock from across the hall, and I motioned for her to come inside quick.

"No, I don't want to even be around that damn dog, she tore up my favorite shoes and attacked Pants."
Pants was the name of her dog, a brown and black yorkie that's fur looked like it was wearing pants.

Mr. Harkins peaked out of 1 A, and said, "Brad is everything ok?"

"Yeah Mr. H. we are discussing Bella again."

Lilias said, "Not anymore," and started walking up the wide wooden stairs to her apartment.

"Baby please don't do this," I said as she just kept walking.

I walked back in my apartment and Mr. Harkins followed. I noticed for the first time he was carrying an old leash but I didn't ask. We sat on opposite ends of my crusted green couch and watched Bella staring at the fish aquirum.

I asked, "What do you think she is thinking about?"

"Oh Brad, women are just like that, I won't ever understand them."

I laughed, "no Bella, I wonder what she is thinking about looking at those fish."

"She probably thinking about breakfast."

I faked laughed.

"Brad, when I was a boy I had a dog named Spot and it died, and then I got a dog named scrapper and it got hit by a car and then I got a dog named skipper and my mother gave it away."

Bella barked at the goldfish and then ran into the other room.

"I hate that dog," I said.

"When I was married to Johnny's mother we had a dog together and I really believe that's what ruined our marriage."

"Weren't you guy only married for 6 months?"

"Yeah, I put my hands on her."

"You got married, got her preggers, and then got a divorice in 6 month?."

"Yeah, it was different in those days."

Bella ran into living and tired to jump up on couch but missed, fell over backwards and quickly turned right side up.

"She's a good girl, aren't you a good girl," said Mr. Harkins.

Bella started to go behind the tv and fight the wires.

"Bella," I screamed, "come her Bella, treat."

She looked up at me and went back to biting. I got up and picked her up and brought her to the couch.

We heard Lilias stomping around upstairs.

"If I could get rid of her and that dog in the same move I think I would be doing alright." I said.

"Brad, I've lived at 72 North Belevedere for on and off for eighty years.-'
"But you are only 72?"
Brad, I was 72 the last time you ask me that, but it's been quite some time since we have even seen each other."

"Huh?"

Bella growled at old Man Harkins.

year 2038 problem

Unix time, the amount of seconds from January 1, 00:00:00 1970 cannot get past 2038 as a 32bit integer.

Its current at  1318449967, one billion, three hundred and eighteen million, four hundred and forty nine thousands, nine hundred sixty seven seconds since 1970.

Unix based computers, Andriod, Apple OSx,  iphone, etc use this number to keep time. Any application relying on this time should crash after year 2038. Y2k right? This is more serious.

I will be 59 years old in 2038, 27 years from now.

Ive never met anyone 59 years old named Brad.

Just got my wisdom teeth out, man fudge this stuff, its a dull pain for a week and I've only had advil. Stupid Unix Epoch couldn't come any earlier.

Old Man Harkins Bio

John Jim Harkins was born in Montgomery Alabama in nineteen hundred and thirty three.

His parents were Martha Farris and John Thomas Harkins. His father was a bus driver and his mother a secertary in a furniture store. They were Catholic.

Jimmy, as they called him, had no siblings, and his parents were not exactly affectionate. 
_______________________________________________________________________________
When I opened the door to my apartment this morning I heard coughing from 1 a, and knowing how old Mr Harkins was I was concerned. I knocked and the door opened to marijuana smoke and some stupid looking hippie woman with a horrible grin on her face.

I asked her why she was in Mr. Harkins apartment, and she said in a terrible voice,

"ehy dude," cough, "I don't know no Harkins."

I was immediately  concerned and thought of millions of horrible things her and her loser associates could have done to him.

"listen you harlot, you tell me where Mr. Harkins is right this second."

"Ehy, man you must mean Jimmy......"

She stopped and her head bobbed and she looked confused and then fell forward. She landed face down and there was a broken glass bong stuck in her back.

Mr Harkins was standing behind her in an attack pose and although the situation was extremely serious there was something very comical about his stance:  bare foot, dirty pants and browned tank top with suspenders.

He is only about 5' 5" you know.

"Yes we know Mr. Hardsocks, can you please go on?"

Well she was kinda squirming on the ground and I could tell the bong was only in her about a quarter of an inch so I pulled it out with her screaming something about hacky sack or something. Maybe she was singing a Widespread lyric or something. I don't know she was making all kinds of noise down there, but seemed ok. Her patchwork pullover soaked up what little blood there was anyway pretty quick.

"What did Mr. Harkins do then?"

He told me she talked her way into his apartment, and tried to have sex with him.

"Does Mr. Harkins normally bring hookers home and use narcotics with them?"

I don't think she was a hooker  maybe a stripper but she had horribly hairy legs,

"Do you do drugs Mr. Hardsocks?"

Naw, not any time recently

mr harkins and that fucking dog

"Hey Mr Harkins."

He was dragging his garbage out his front door and it smelled of old books from his apartment. 

"Hey Ray, I'm glad to see you. Do you mind helping me?"

"Not at all."

I picked up the garbage and we walked down the concrete sidewalk leading to the street. It was Saturday morning 10 am, early April.  

"Ray, how is your relationship with what's her name, the girl upstairs?"

"Her name is Lilias, and she is fine."

We both looked up to her window -she wasn't home.

"Are yall going to get married soon," he said smiling.

"Naw, we are planning on kids though," I said.

"Oh Ray, no you cannot........"

"I'm just kidding, Mr Harkins," I responded.

"You scared me."

"She is at her fat friend's house and when she gets back we are going to Mississippi to get a dog."

“Ray, I can never tell when you are being serious.”

“I’m being Serious.”

"A dog is a big responsibility, and she already has two dogs. I hear them barking constantly," he said as I dropped the garbage bag on the ground next to the large green garbage bins.

Mr. Harkins grabbed the black handrail going down the steps leading to the street and loudly lowered himself to sit. I sat next to him on the curb and a dog walked by on the sidewalk looking at a kid across the street.

“It’s going to be our baby. We are going to raise it together as a family,” I said smiling.

“Ray, you know she lives with a man up there. You have to see his car and him coming and going.”

I laughed and looked at the ground.

“Mr. Harkins…..he is….. you know… gay. I have nothing to worry about.”

“Oh God help us,” he said shaking his head. “That makes sense though. He does give me funny looks.”

“Yep he is gay as they get. Gay as grass, Gay as a football bat, Gay….”

A city bus drove by and the kid across the street yelled, “Get off me….”

Mr. Harkins looked at the boy and smiled saying, “there is something wrong with that boy over there. He is always outside talking to somebody I cannot see.”

 Lilias pulled in and almost hit the concrete wall lining the driveway while looking at us. She smiled and I could tell she thought it was cute I hang out with Mr. Harkins.

Her long red Malibu smoked as it chugged up the driveway.

“I don’t know about her. Something just doesn’t seem right. One minute she hates you and you hate her and the next you are talking about getting married,” he looked concerned at me.

excerpt from austin trip

        We stopped at a Walgreens right outside of New Braunfels and I bought a water tight cigarette case for my smokes and what I had left of the cocaine. I sat in the back seat, so Gabe couldn’t stop me from taking bumps while we drove. I had seen on TV about a water ride, the Boogie Bahn, that was a slanted wall of water, and people would use body boards and try to stand up for as long as possible surfing. Tons of water flowed over soft foam rubber, so if you fall it doesn’t hurt. They were really going at it on the Travel Channel, and I was looking forward to trying it.

The park was huge and we had to take a bus from the parking lot to the first part and eventually another bus to the second part of the park. There were hot Texas girls in even hotter bikinis and being a redhead I was pale white; Gabe and Tara were both pasty junkies and were covered with track marks and tattoos. I would have been embarrassed if I stopped doing the cocaine long enough to care. Every 30 minutes I would go and take a bump in the bathroom; meticulous drying my hands and the cigarette case to prevent the stuff from getting damp. You cannot do much with wet blow and it took me around five minutes as I sat on a commode. I was paranoid as I listened to people slosh in the bathrooms. I watched their bare feet and water shoes from under the stall and listened to fathers and sons, rednecks and teenagers talk about stuff that was distant to me. I was in a drug mode: the getting, using, and finding ways to get more. As I returned we went looking for the Boogie Bhan, and the higher I got, Tara looked half way cute. She had a bikini top and shorts.

We stood in line for the endless mountain of water, picked up our body boards while we waited. Gabe and Tara talked about how they shot dope into their hands and still had track marks, and I thought about Lauren back in Memphis.

“Oh man, I know that face. What are you thinking about?” said Gabe as pushed my shoulder, “you are thinking about something bad.”

“I was thinking about Lauren. You know that cunt had a bunch of magnum condoms in her purse the other day.”

Gabe Laughed, “well we know those weren’t for you old buddy.”

“Yeah that whore thinks I’m stupid-

well you are if you continue to stay with her,” interrupted Tara.

            “Yeah, man you got everything going for you; forget her bro.”

“She said they were from her ex-boyfriend, some mythical dude that beat and raped her.”

            

“He rapped her; oh that’s awful,” said Tara.

“That stupid bitch has been rapped more times than any other person on the planet. I don’t understand how someone could be rapped so fucking much.”

            Gabe said, “oh she is one of those types of girls.”

Tara responded, “what do you mean?”

            “You know, every time a guy dumps her, or she needs something to go her way, she cries rape,” said Gabe.

“Do you think they are called “magnums” because of the width or the length of the condom or both,” I asked.

“You cannot just assume that she is lying about rape. Women get rapped you know. Especially by their boyfriends,” said Tara.

“Not this lying cunt, if she was raped, she deserved it,” I screamed.

  Two pre-teen boys turned around and looked at me and then smiled at each other.

“Fuck you,” I said in their direction.

            “You guys are fucked up,” said Tara looking disgusted at the ground.

“No, Gabe and I just have a keen sense of the truth, and we are letting y’all know. You feel me dawg,” I said in a bad black guy voice.

            “Yeah mane,” Gabe responded.

We laughed and moved up in line. One of the boys in front of us got ready to get on the water wave and the instructor told him about the Do’s and Don’ts.

We listened to him say, “don’t fight the fall. Just let the water take you to tide pool over on the Dragon Revenge side. If you are able to stand up, bend your knees and relax. If you get scared when you drop in, just hold your breath for ten seconds and you will be in the safety pool.”

The kid looked scared as he laid down on the foam body board, and his friend watched with anticipation.

Lastly, the ride attendant said, “Most importantly, don’t forget to hang ten,” and pushed him down into the wave. After dropping in, the kid was propelled in the middle for a second and then rolled under the water and came up smiling in the safety pool. His friend did basically the same thing.

Tara decided not to ride and walked the down the concrete sidewalk next to the pool where the water flowed. I laid down on the foam board and said to Gabe,

            “Watch this, bro.”

He laughed and said, “ok.”

I slide into the water wave and first noticed all the sound of the water as it rushed by me. I was surprised I didn’t fall immediately and started to try to stand but fell over backwards and came up in the safety pool. I got out and pulled my shirt off my stomach really quick and stood with Tara. We smiled and watched Gabe talk to the attendant and then slide into the pool. He looked totally awkward but he didn’t fall right away, and he actually started to stand up.

            “You got it bro, you are surfing,” I screamed.

As he looked at me, he lost his balance and the foam board shot out from under him and hit the metal mesh protecting the people in the line. Gabe fell backwards into the water wave and came up in the wave pool. Several people laughed and clapped. I gave him five as he started climbing out.

“That was cool, Gabe,” said Tara.

            “That was fun,” said Gabe.

            “Lets do it again,”

We did the ride several more times convincing Tara to try, but none of us got as far as Gabe did on the first try.  We eventually ended up in the Lazy River, a concrete water way that went through all of West Shlitterbahn.

            “It would be so bad ass if they had a little gate, where when you came in you could sign a

            release form, and you could go to a little gate and float out into that river outside the park.

            What river is that Gabe?” I asked.

            “The Comal.”

            “We could get all fucked up in the river doing blow and drinking beer,” I said.

            “That’s has to be the stupidest thought you have ever had,” Gabe said as he smiled.

“Fuck you, you do just as much dope as me.”

“I’m not referring to the dope Bobby Fisher, that part is reasonable. ‘A little gate.’” In a sarcastic voice, “Hey Honey, forget the water park, lets float away from our car, children, and life down the Comal River.”

Tara laughed and said, “They could get someone from the park to drive their car to where the river runs into to the Gulf of Mexico and they people would be ready to drive home -

            “It doesn’t run into the Gulf of Mexico, it’s a tributary of the Guadalupe River; its basically just

            here in town and people tube on it pretty regularly regardless of your stupidity,” said Gabe.

“Oh look Tara, the old Gabe just showed up. The asshole Gabe I knew from high school. Unfortunately, the old Gabe is disgusted at the fat ass junkie he sees here with us today and will be quickly returning to 1999,” I said as I laughed. Tara laughed too.

            Gabe said, “whatever,” and pulled his shirt off his stomach.

“Hey jump out and grab a towel, we will pull together and dry off this tube and snort a little sunshine while we float down this here river,” I said to Tara in a redneck voice.

            Gabe responded as Tara just looked at me blankly, “you fucking moron, don’t start this    

            shit again, just go to the bathroom.”

“Ok, whatever old Gabe,” I grabbed the side and plopped out on to the concrete.

“Hey hold my tube, I’ll catch up in Surfenburg,”

            Tara smiled and said ok.

I went to the bathroom and experienced basically the same scene written before, expect for a different stall and different feet. I did more on that trip than the previous and jogged the Lazy River until I found Tara and Gabe.  I snuck up and jumped into my tube: water splashed everywhere and I crashed down into the tube as I hit something hard with my right ankle.       

“You are a fucking asshole. God this fucking hurts.”  Gabe said as he held his wrist.

“What the fuck Brad?” asked Tara with a concerned look on her face as she looked at Gabe.

            “Stop being a baby, what happened to your wrist anyway?” I asked.

Gabe screamed, “I fell on it,”

Tara asked, “Where?”

“You could have kicked me in the face. You cannot handle that weak ass blow, you cannot handle anything. Stop getting high every five minutes. You need those AA meeting, dude for real. You have a problem man,” said Gabe in a whiney voice.

I actually felt bad, “I’m sorry, man. I was being stupid.”

“You just cannot stop once you are started with anything. You just keep doing it to it’s gone or you pass out or someone whoops your ass. You are going to end up in jail if you keep acting like this or not have any friends or both.”

“Whatever dude, save that story for consoler lady at the methadone clinic. You fucking hypocrite.”

My tone played down his anger and we gently rolled down the concrete river as we laid on our backs in the tubes. Gabe held his wrist, and we all three wore sunglasses.

“This is nice and relaxing,” said Tara.

            “You know, I think I could get anyone off drugs with a simple invention,” I said.

“Oh really how is that,” said Gabe not moving from his position.

            “I will create a time safe, and not like those things in Mapco, but a device kinda like a clock that

            has a little opening every day or twice a day that allows you to stick your hand in there and

            get your drugs out.”

“What is Mapco?” asked Tara.

“It’s the name of some gas stations in the South. Exxon would have been a better reference but whatever. Are you joking, dude?” Gabe said as he sat up on his elbows in the tube and looked over at me.

“No, if I had one, I would be drug free right now. See you go to the dope man and he pours the dope into a funnel. It will be able to handle powder, pills, weed, you name it-

“What about tar, like the H we get?” said Tara.

“Yeah, I will include something to melt the shit down and divvy it up. There will be a scale inside with digital interface on the front, and you just punch in what you want your clean date to be.”

“That is so stupid. What kind of drug dealer would pour shit into a device in the first fucking place and second what kind of drug addict would ask the dope dude to help him get sober?”

“You know you cannot say sober in a NA meeting. They freak out.” I said.

“What’s NA-  

            “Why?” asked Gabe.

“Cause it just means you are not drunk. You could have a crack pipe stuck up your ass and be sober. They correct people in the meeting and make them say “clean” instead.”

            “That’s weird.”

“Yeah, whatever, those people need this device. It will slowly wean them off their drug of choice. You could put all kinds of stuff in it like porn and food too.”

            “What’s NA?” asked Tara.

Gabe responded, “Narcotics Anonymous, a hokey version of AA for people in prison.”

“It’s not for people in prison. It is for people who are sprung on opiates and shit. My device would save millions of lives.”

            “Your device would get people killed asking the dope boys to pour crack into a funnel.    

It is a complete piece of shit. I can just see you with crowbar beating that thing to

            death hoping it had some dope left in it.”

“Maybe the dealer interaction part is not valid, so I will leave it up to the user to pour in the crack.”

            “If I buy crack, I’m going to smoke it,” Tara said.

“Whatever, let’s go. I’m fucking shriveled.”

Sid and Nancy

I lie on the cot on the floor and listen to the street below: horns and shouts and engines roar.

My time here is limited but i still exist.

The year is 1970's but i just know its now with red bricks and neon lights.

Horns and shouts and the late afternoon light.

Obsession

Currently, I'm reading about the Worlds fair in Chicago at the turn of 19th Century. My favorite century really.
http://www.amazon.com/Devil-White-City-Madness-Changed/dp/0375725601

My favorite decade is the 1970's. Especially places like NYC with decline and the crime.
I need a book about it. Got one?

Do you like Bluegrass? I do.

The boys from Cypress Creek sure know how to place that ol' country bluegrass with a positive family message.

Check em out at Cypress Creek of Tennessee Bluegrass Band

72 North Belvedere

I woke up in piss and it was 4 o'clock in the afternoon. My head ached and I was slowly remembering the morning before.

"I've never felt this bad in my life," I thought.


I took the sheets off the bed and turned the ceiling fan on high. I noticed the dirt on the floor and the afternoon sun turned it orange.

I walked the hall, with the warped hardwood floor, the building was built in 1910.

In the aquarium my gold fish was stuck to the water filter and must have died during the night.