Old Man Harkins Bio

John Jim Harkins was born in Montgomery Alabama in nineteen hundred and thirty three.

His parents were Martha Farris and John Thomas Harkins. His father was a bus driver and his mother a secertary in a furniture store. They were Catholic.

Jimmy, as they called him, had no siblings, and his parents were not exactly affectionate. 
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When I opened the door to my apartment this morning I heard coughing from 1 a, and knowing how old Mr Harkins was I was concerned. I knocked and the door opened to marijuana smoke and some stupid looking hippie woman with a horrible grin on her face.

I asked her why she was in Mr. Harkins apartment, and she said in a terrible voice,

"ehy dude," cough, "I don't know no Harkins."

I was immediately  concerned and thought of millions of horrible things her and her loser associates could have done to him.

"listen you harlot, you tell me where Mr. Harkins is right this second."

"Ehy, man you must mean Jimmy......"

She stopped and her head bobbed and she looked confused and then fell forward. She landed face down and there was a broken glass bong stuck in her back.

Mr Harkins was standing behind her in an attack pose and although the situation was extremely serious there was something very comical about his stance:  bare foot, dirty pants and browned tank top with suspenders.

He is only about 5' 5" you know.

"Yes we know Mr. Hardsocks, can you please go on?"

Well she was kinda squirming on the ground and I could tell the bong was only in her about a quarter of an inch so I pulled it out with her screaming something about hacky sack or something. Maybe she was singing a Widespread lyric or something. I don't know she was making all kinds of noise down there, but seemed ok. Her patchwork pullover soaked up what little blood there was anyway pretty quick.

"What did Mr. Harkins do then?"

He told me she talked her way into his apartment, and tried to have sex with him.

"Does Mr. Harkins normally bring hookers home and use narcotics with them?"

I don't think she was a hooker  maybe a stripper but she had horribly hairy legs,

"Do you do drugs Mr. Hardsocks?"

Naw, not any time recently

mr harkins and that fucking dog

"Hey Mr Harkins."

He was dragging his garbage out his front door and it smelled of old books from his apartment. 

"Hey Ray, I'm glad to see you. Do you mind helping me?"

"Not at all."

I picked up the garbage and we walked down the concrete sidewalk leading to the street. It was Saturday morning 10 am, early April.  

"Ray, how is your relationship with what's her name, the girl upstairs?"

"Her name is Lilias, and she is fine."

We both looked up to her window -she wasn't home.

"Are yall going to get married soon," he said smiling.

"Naw, we are planning on kids though," I said.

"Oh Ray, no you cannot........"

"I'm just kidding, Mr Harkins," I responded.

"You scared me."

"She is at her fat friend's house and when she gets back we are going to Mississippi to get a dog."

“Ray, I can never tell when you are being serious.”

“I’m being Serious.”

"A dog is a big responsibility, and she already has two dogs. I hear them barking constantly," he said as I dropped the garbage bag on the ground next to the large green garbage bins.

Mr. Harkins grabbed the black handrail going down the steps leading to the street and loudly lowered himself to sit. I sat next to him on the curb and a dog walked by on the sidewalk looking at a kid across the street.

“It’s going to be our baby. We are going to raise it together as a family,” I said smiling.

“Ray, you know she lives with a man up there. You have to see his car and him coming and going.”

I laughed and looked at the ground.

“Mr. Harkins…..he is….. you know… gay. I have nothing to worry about.”

“Oh God help us,” he said shaking his head. “That makes sense though. He does give me funny looks.”

“Yep he is gay as they get. Gay as grass, Gay as a football bat, Gay….”

A city bus drove by and the kid across the street yelled, “Get off me….”

Mr. Harkins looked at the boy and smiled saying, “there is something wrong with that boy over there. He is always outside talking to somebody I cannot see.”

 Lilias pulled in and almost hit the concrete wall lining the driveway while looking at us. She smiled and I could tell she thought it was cute I hang out with Mr. Harkins.

Her long red Malibu smoked as it chugged up the driveway.

“I don’t know about her. Something just doesn’t seem right. One minute she hates you and you hate her and the next you are talking about getting married,” he looked concerned at me.