oh time goes slow

when i was a little guy,
before i ever got high,
i stepped up and danced,
i danced the night away.

Time goes through

will this ever go away

Man, I have such rollerskating emotions: one day I want to kill her, choking her around the neck until she dies, and the next I want to tell her I love her and cannot live without her. I absolutely have no interaction with her, so all of these emotions I am generating. I don't think she has a clue how much I obsess. We dated for a month and a half, stopped for three months, then started to date again for a month and went to relationship consulting. I broke up with her as the fag consular started to cry, what a douche bag him and his boyfriend and their Vietnamese kids were. Actually, I never met the kids, I just saw their picture as I described my childhood. "It's all your parent's fault," was all that queer could say. Stupid jerks tried to send me to collections for not paying my bill. I used the free debt collection act article blah blah blah to get out of it. God, I love her man, fuck I want to kill her. It's Christmas Eve and the worshipable Sun is out. Love is in the air, and I am getting pimple under my right nostril; im sure it's this fucking lexapro.

Don't let me down

Psychiatry is such a load. I woke up every ten minutes last night. I had this amazing dream about being in love; me and this girl were sitting in a field filled with water from an overflowing river. We were landscaping someone's grandparents farm or something and there were lung fish making a path from the river to where we were digging up the earth or making a little creek. We sat there with our hands in the mud and were smiling at each other. I tried to kiss her and she avoided it and laughed and got up and ran off. I followed laughing and she looked back at me smiling. I guess that was the first time I tried to kiss her, and I was happy she didn't give me a talk or tell me about her boyfriend. I have never felt emotion like I did for that girl in my life. The character in the dream is actually a girl I know in real life, and it's sad that I just cannot be friends with any cute girls without having emotional dreams about them. The feeling was so intense, and I am certain Ive never experienced it in reality. Such a mixuture of hope and unbelievable joy. She was the only thing in the world I was concerned about, and I felt this appreciation returned fully just by her subtle smile. It was an absolutely wonderful dream.

Overeaters Anonymous

Well I looked up a meeting schedule, and now it's time for me to act. I cannot live like this anymore. I've decided I am not going to get in to any relationships with men or women for three years. I feel this will give me time to grow mental and spiritually. I need it; my behavior in any relationship is just darn dreadful. I am completely self centered.
During play practice there was a seven year old playing my child, well my character's child, and she was so cute. She read her lines really slow, and she had pretty blond hair. It was the cutest thing ever. I want a kid bad, but I want one who's potty trained.

D-Day or Day Three of No Lexapro

Fuck my mouth is on fire, not spicy but heat hot, Fuck. I have tomato sauce all over my keyboard and hands, and if I catch the asshole who did it I'm going to......Is it really even worth comment, not much is, just get in line and agree with everything. There is so much information about Lexapro withdrawal on the Internet, so I'm just waiting to have a brain reboot. I wonder what it will feel like . I gotta lose 30 pounds next year, if I dont i'm just gunna...... Is it really even worth comment, no much is, just get in line with the rest of the morons. I work in such spurts. Virtual Center just gave into my will, and I like it. I really don't have to make since to you, cause I dont have to do anything I dont want to, and the trick is just conviencing myself I want to goto work, and play practice and church, and school, and work, and home. I dont want to go home, bro. I want to send fictitous im's all day. Lick it, lick it real good. BrightStor see's the VM and it's actually backing up, it's the little things that makes me live.

Tiredness and VMWare Virtual Center

"Hey Bro, My Parents kicked me out again, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm broke and check this, I got fired Yesterday." A line from the play I'm performing December 13th at First Congo church. A play, wow, I cannot stay awake even though I took a caffeine pill; I would take two but it makes me cuss and shake. I ate half a strawberry cake and a huge piece of upside downcake, my head hurts from being in the position for so long. I've only said the serinety prayer 2 times today, mainly cus I was sleeping most of the afternoon. Fucking VMware won't accept the fucking license for Virtual Center, I am complete idiot so I like to reboot over and over again expecting different results. I'm just going to upgrade the piece of shit. blah. Oh man, I think a cubical mate is playing Huey Lewis and The News, Hell yeah, I can get this work done, I can be successful. I CAN.

The colors

I have been making these cables for a virtualization project, and all the strands must be in a certain colored layout. The more cables I make the more it all makes sense: the order. For example it makes sense that blue should go before blue white, the universe wants it that way, and every molecule of my body knows it as the truth. Solid does not always dominate the mix of whites and fullness, and when it gives into the so called female strand, it or he does it with grace and perfection. The Order has always been, and will always be, before you and me, before time itself. "I wish I didn't feel like an island." The order presents it's theory through out human history, truth or the full color strand presents itself, day or light, and darkness shudders in the presented brightness. Darkness destroys the light with nothingness. The absence of light or truth or good. When Truth is presented, society, which is sheepishly good, shudders and pays their respect, but darkness regroups and blocks the light from prevailing. The blocking is temporary and light once again shins in a new century or an era of enlightenment. Such as the world is divided, people are divided in how they play in the role that spins the perpetual Universe. People don't choose their light or darkness roles, they just play the part, and most have the audacity to actually be proud or arrogant of their blessings in either strand. The more cables I make the more I hear the voice of the colors and the order.

My first effort

I deleted her from showing up in the gmail chat window, she was dressed like a zombie for Halloween. I saw her staring at me, as I danced with the girl from Arkansas. she left with a bad look on her face. Good, now, I need 3000 more situations where I win. Where I take control. Every realationship has a winner and loser, and I'm sick of losing. Maybe I could recruite some bad ass to coach me into making the girls give in to my will. you know like pay this awasome instructor half my salary to get me back on the right track of dating and destroying my victims. Crushing all their self esteem so they are nothing and I am all.

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