Will you marry me

I knocked on Mr Harkins door, apartment 1A, and I heard the tv turn off, and his feet sliding across the floor.  The bolt unlocked and it echoed in the hallway of 72 North Belvedere.

"Hello there friend, come in, come in. So good to see you," he said.

I walked in and sat down on an old wooden chair.

"Yes sit down, sit down."

He sat in a filthy huge recliner with two tall plastic book shelf leaning over him. There was a 2x4 keeping them from crashing down and he could easily access the books from either shelf from the chair. Papers and bungee chords hung from the structure.  I looked through the books before and it was mostly theology and stuff about the Catholic Church. Nothing I was interested in.

His feet were bare and his toes were hideous.

"Well I asked her, I asked her to marry me," I said.

"Oh Ray, this is wonderful, of course she said yes?" he asked.

"Yeah, she said yes," I was smiling, "she started crying."

"Oh just wonderful. We need to celebrate. Can I get you a diet Coke?"

"Yeah, I'll take one."

We were friends. The only thing we wanted from each other was friendship and we both had something to offer the other.

"How did you ask her?"

"Well you know how she loves her dogs" --

"Yes, I know."

--"I put bowties on both of them and

Just a game?

"It's not just a game to me. I don't give a shit what you say."

"What does it fucking change if they win or lose. Nothing! You are such an idiot," she said slamming the door.

I stared at the stained wood with the glass peep hole, standing in the dark hallway. I heard apartment 1A's door begin to unlock.

"Ray, is everything ok?"

Old man Harkins looked up at me as I noticed his outfit of an old dirty white t-shirt and gray slacks without shoes.

"Yeah," I said walking down the stairs.

"What are ya'll fighting about now?" he asked.

"I kicked the dog when Joe Jackson missed a jumper," I said walking into my apartment. Mr. Harkins followed.

I picked up the remote and turned on the game, sitting down on the green couch. He sat on the green love seat.

"Who won the game?" asked Mr. Harkins.

"It's halftime."  I responded.

"I don't understand why you and everyone else takes it so serious. She's right it's just a game."

I stood up and pointed the remote at Harkins

Angry, "Oh is it. Oh is it Mr Harkins. What the hell do you know. Those kids have played all their lives for this moment. You think they are thinking this is just a game?" I stared at him.

"Well..."

"Was it just a game when the 1973 Tigers brought the city back together after some son-of-bitches bullet had destroyed the budding unity everyone was still working hard towards?"

"Ray..."

"Oh, it's just a game, I've pulled my hair out for years, destroyed furniture, ruined relationships for this team, is that just a fucking game?" I started to walk towards him.

"I'm sorry, I was just....."

"Listen you old mother fucker, was it just a game when I fell down two rows at the Forum on the Louisville fan and her baby at the 2005 C-USA Conference Championship. You like think that little brat thought it was just a game when I fell on his head. DO YOU?" I screamed.

"I'm, I'm....."

I stood over him.

"Was it just a game when Darius Washington laid on the floor crying after missing those free throws?"

"Ray, I didn't know what  I was saying I'm sorry."

The Memphis Tigers, have worked hard to get to this point. It's a once in a lifetime experience for the fans and the players. The television said.

I looked towards the TV and screamed, "see, see what I'm talking about. Once in a lifetime!"

I walked back towards my couch turning up the volume with the remote.

Shaq Goodwin in bounds the ball to Geron Johnson, and the second half has been begun of this third round thriller.

I watched intently and Mr. Harkins shook.

Disappearing Ink

"Fuuuck", I screamed.

"I cannot fucking live like this any longer. Either you start staying here every fucking night or find somewhere else to live."

"baby, I love you, I'm just staying at Liz's."

"Why the fuck do you stay there every Friday and Saturday night. I know, I'm stupid,  I've put up with this so fucking long seems I've accepted your whoreness, but I haven't!  I cannot fucking take it anymore."

I picked up her laundry basket of clothes, put it under my right arm and opened the back door with my left. I stomped down the back hallway, and made the same motions with the exterior door. Once opened, I stepped back and hurled the clothes into the back parking lot of the apartment building.

I remember the "Ding" of a bottle of perfume hidden under clothes hitting the metal pole holding up the fire escape.

I ran back inside and screamed, "Get the fuck out of here, and don't ever come back."

I paused thinking.

"You know it's funny, how in emotional situations like that, I was basically acting out something I saw on T.V. I have an image of a woman throwing a man's clothes out on the lawn. I've probably seen it a bunch of times, and I was just acting it out. I wonder how many other things I simply act out seeing on T.V. Do you think I would have done the same thing if I had not seen it before?"

The Doctor leaned back into a big brown leather chair with his notepad in hand. He finished writing a note, read it and then looked up at me.

"Brad, why do you think she wasn't faithful?"

"Because she slept with men," I said absently wondering about how impressionable I've been my whole life.

"No, I mean did you have proof? Did you catch her doing something that indicates this type of behavior?"

"I only know how to scream like that from hearing my dad growing up." I said looking towards the window.

"Brad, did you catch her sleeping with someone else before this happened?" The doctor asked frustrated.

"Jesus, I wonder if I have an original thought in my brain?" I said wide eyed,  looking at the floor of the doctor's office.

"We can discuss that topic, but please just hang with me for a minute and lets finish the discussion about Lori."

"I wonder if I'm even crazy, I mean not crazy but you know, do I need to even be here. Did I see someone on TV goto a shrink and then I thought i had to go?" I said excited.

"Now, lets just be calm together," the doctor said.

I stood up and looked around like I was seeing the world for the first time.

"Mr Sanpocks, please sit down."

I ran to his bookshelf and started pulling out books, opening, flipping though pages, and then throwing them to the ground. Ignoring the doctor I looked up and shouted, "I have a whole life to learn and act for myself."

I looked at bookends and flower pots for the first time in my life; I had to take it all in. I flipped couch cushions and examined paper weights as the doctor ran past me into the hall.

"Oh God the colors," I screamed in ecstasy looking at the flower arrangements sowed into the carpets.

I fell to my knees and started to cry for joy that my life had been saved. I wasn't the sum of my thoughts;  I was completely free from my past and could enjoy the future.

The receptionist I had seen earlier, walked into the room as I held myself crying.

I gave her a huge smile, and said, " I don't judge you, I don't see you as small and mousy, because we are one. I am free."

The doctor cowered behind her as she raised her hand towards me.

"Yes?" I said happily as the tears rolled down my face.

The world stopped as she pushed the black trigger on the orange canister. The pepper spray was at least six inches from my face.

I was hit by a blinding light, and then it faded and the pain came.From the tips of my hair to the ends of my toes: every molecule in my body was burning alive.

"You goddamn whore," I said falling over.

I rolled on the ground screaming right under the coffee table and tried to stand up breaking the center glass, and falling into the desk with the monitor and keyboard crashing to the ground.

"I'll kill you, you fucking bitch." I said with my arms extended blindly grasping for the receptionist.

I smashed into the bookshelf, and then crashed into the window, breaking glass and falling backwards.

"The last thing I remember is a blurry image of the short little receptionist standing over me, bringing down a brass flower pot on my head."


_______________________________________________________________________________

I paused briefly, "It all went blank."

Mr. Harkins and I sat on the green couch, I was feeling the morning coffee and we were both in a pleasant mood.

"Brad, you know I've been to Dr. Gaberini's office before, and I even know the woman who hit you." said Mr Harkins in his high pitched voice.

"You should have mentioned that, small world," I said with a laughing tone.

"Yeah, I'm not kidding you. I go and talk about Johnny and Irene. I haven't been over there in years, but I know the woman you are talking about. Mean as a rattlesnake." He said smiling.

"Yeah, she was pretty unreasonable, even pressed charges. After I got out of the MED, I spent two nights in jail."

"Oh that's awful."

"Live and learn, Mr Harkins."

Everything wrong with me

"Man Mr. Harkins, I feel like shit."

"Late night Ray?"

We sat on the porch. I had on gray sweatpants and  a hoodie. Mr Harkins was wearing old trousers and a stained wife beater without shoes.

"Sure was. I sat in the living room writing Melissa a letter."

"Oh yeah, what about?"

"How I hate her and want her to die."

"Oh"