Disappearing Ink

"Fuuuck", I screamed.

"I cannot fucking live like this any longer. Either you start staying here every fucking night or find somewhere else to live."

"baby, I love you, I'm just staying at Liz's."

"Why the fuck do you stay there every Friday and Saturday night. I know, I'm stupid,  I've put up with this so fucking long seems I've accepted your whoreness, but I haven't!  I cannot fucking take it anymore."

I picked up her laundry basket of clothes, put it under my right arm and opened the back door with my left. I stomped down the back hallway, and made the same motions with the exterior door. Once opened, I stepped back and hurled the clothes into the back parking lot of the apartment building.

I remember the "Ding" of a bottle of perfume hidden under clothes hitting the metal pole holding up the fire escape.

I ran back inside and screamed, "Get the fuck out of here, and don't ever come back."

I paused thinking.

"You know it's funny, how in emotional situations like that, I was basically acting out something I saw on T.V. I have an image of a woman throwing a man's clothes out on the lawn. I've probably seen it a bunch of times, and I was just acting it out. I wonder how many other things I simply act out seeing on T.V. Do you think I would have done the same thing if I had not seen it before?"

The Doctor leaned back into a big brown leather chair with his notepad in hand. He finished writing a note, read it and then looked up at me.

"Brad, why do you think she wasn't faithful?"

"Because she slept with men," I said absently wondering about how impressionable I've been my whole life.

"No, I mean did you have proof? Did you catch her doing something that indicates this type of behavior?"

"I only know how to scream like that from hearing my dad growing up." I said looking towards the window.

"Brad, did you catch her sleeping with someone else before this happened?" The doctor asked frustrated.

"Jesus, I wonder if I have an original thought in my brain?" I said wide eyed,  looking at the floor of the doctor's office.

"We can discuss that topic, but please just hang with me for a minute and lets finish the discussion about Lori."

"I wonder if I'm even crazy, I mean not crazy but you know, do I need to even be here. Did I see someone on TV goto a shrink and then I thought i had to go?" I said excited.

"Now, lets just be calm together," the doctor said.

I stood up and looked around like I was seeing the world for the first time.

"Mr Sanpocks, please sit down."

I ran to his bookshelf and started pulling out books, opening, flipping though pages, and then throwing them to the ground. Ignoring the doctor I looked up and shouted, "I have a whole life to learn and act for myself."

I looked at bookends and flower pots for the first time in my life; I had to take it all in. I flipped couch cushions and examined paper weights as the doctor ran past me into the hall.

"Oh God the colors," I screamed in ecstasy looking at the flower arrangements sowed into the carpets.

I fell to my knees and started to cry for joy that my life had been saved. I wasn't the sum of my thoughts;  I was completely free from my past and could enjoy the future.

The receptionist I had seen earlier, walked into the room as I held myself crying.

I gave her a huge smile, and said, " I don't judge you, I don't see you as small and mousy, because we are one. I am free."

The doctor cowered behind her as she raised her hand towards me.

"Yes?" I said happily as the tears rolled down my face.

The world stopped as she pushed the black trigger on the orange canister. The pepper spray was at least six inches from my face.

I was hit by a blinding light, and then it faded and the pain came.From the tips of my hair to the ends of my toes: every molecule in my body was burning alive.

"You goddamn whore," I said falling over.

I rolled on the ground screaming right under the coffee table and tried to stand up breaking the center glass, and falling into the desk with the monitor and keyboard crashing to the ground.

"I'll kill you, you fucking bitch." I said with my arms extended blindly grasping for the receptionist.

I smashed into the bookshelf, and then crashed into the window, breaking glass and falling backwards.

"The last thing I remember is a blurry image of the short little receptionist standing over me, bringing down a brass flower pot on my head."


_______________________________________________________________________________

I paused briefly, "It all went blank."

Mr. Harkins and I sat on the green couch, I was feeling the morning coffee and we were both in a pleasant mood.

"Brad, you know I've been to Dr. Gaberini's office before, and I even know the woman who hit you." said Mr Harkins in his high pitched voice.

"You should have mentioned that, small world," I said with a laughing tone.

"Yeah, I'm not kidding you. I go and talk about Johnny and Irene. I haven't been over there in years, but I know the woman you are talking about. Mean as a rattlesnake." He said smiling.

"Yeah, she was pretty unreasonable, even pressed charges. After I got out of the MED, I spent two nights in jail."

"Oh that's awful."

"Live and learn, Mr Harkins."