I woke up and stared at the ceiling and then rolled over and stared at the dog hair all over the floor. It wasn't the first thought I had but probably the second:
"Is this really happening?"
The waterfall in my stomach started to flow again.
It was 8:30 am, I took a leak and stumbled sleepily into the living room to see my wife eating cereal and smiling at something on her phone. Both the golden retrievers were staring at her.
She didn't speak to me.
I walked into the dining room, and picked up a chainsaw laying on the floor next to the wall. I pulled out a chair from the table and sat down and put the chainsaw in front of me.
I inspected it, looking at the chain, and model number and took the gas cap off and smelled the tank.
I went and got my phone charging by the bed, and yawned as a I sat back down and searched for the model number.
Google Search: echo chainsaw cs-310
I was interested in the gas to oil ratio for the 2 cycle engine. Also, I wanted to know what kind of oil the chain bar required.
First result was the manual for the machine, and I was surprised to see it was 30cc engine.
"bad little fucker", I thought.
I found the info I needed: 50:1 Ratio required for the gas/oil mix, and looked at the specs on the chain bar oil.
I hurriedly got dressed, simply putting on pants and shoes without socks, and grabbed the chainsaw from the table as I went outside. I unlocked the storage shed shaped like a gingerbread house and looked to see what ratio of premixed 2 cycle gas I already had: 40:1
"At this point who gives a shit," I thought as poured the the wrong type of gas in the tank.
"It won't break it, might run like shit though." I said out loud.
It was 85 degrees at 8:45am that Sunday morning.
I looked at the the chainsaw before I tried to start it. It had a pawn shop tag on it, and I thought,
"There is no way this piece of shit is going to start."
My father is addicted to pawn shops. He keeps them in business. He buys junk, and the pawns it back to them at interest: it was his chainsaw.
I flipped the On button, primed the engine, and locked the chain. I pulled on the cord and it only turned over once, the cord did not seem long enough. I pulled 5 or 6 more times, and it didn't even begin to start.
My wife let the dogs out of the house, and she only briefly looked in my direction. They went off in search of a ball but eventually just laid down near me.
I searched for the carburetor to spray starter fluid through the air filter in the hopes of it starting. It was not obvious on the device where the carburetor was even located. I looked at the manual again, found and unscrewed the filter plate, sprayed in the fluid and pulled on the cord.
The cord broke off at the handle and I almost fell down.
Oscar, the bigger of the two dogs, looked at me, then looked at the chainsaw, and laid his head back down.
"Mother fucker," I thought.
I consider trying to buy the part at Home Depot, and then thought about all the research I would probably need to do to even install it. I was also certain it still would not start.
I looked at the sky and then the roof of my house. There was a rollercoaster in my stomach, up and down, I could not stop thinking about what she said to me the night before. The words, the screaming, the expressions -I played them over and over remembering something new each time. I stared at the chimney on my house and noticed the red bricks and weather flashing.
I got in my car and turned around to go out into the street; a couple was pushing a stroller down the sidewalk when they passed I gasped and quickly turned and headed in the direction of the Midtown Home Depot.
I bought a chainsaw, 2 Cycle premixed 50:1 ratio gas in a metal can, bar oil, 100 yards of rope, and then set in the parking lot staring out the windshield. The shock was preventing me from moving. I knew people go through much worse, but I felt this was the worst experience of my life.
I came home to the dogs, the baby, and my wife gone. Her car was there, so I knew she was walking the dogs with our 5 1/2 month old strapped to her back.
I tried to open the chainsaw box, but it had large metal staples holding down the flaps. I attempted to pry them apart with a screwdriver but just end stabbing the box and stomping my foot down on the cardboard. The manual, accessories, and red chain saw fall out on the ground. It was the cheapest gas model Home Depot sold.
I looked at the manual briefly, and noticed this chainsaw was 42CC.
"I've ridden scooters that were 49CC, damn these little things are powerful." I thought.
I slowly poured in the pre-mixed 2 cycle gas, and the bar chain oil - keeps the chain oiled while cutting, and literally just comes out on the chain as it moves through the unit.
There was a brief moment when I didn't feel the pain as I pumped the primer, extended the choke, and pulled on the cord. The low rumble and white smoke made me okay for a minute and I pushed in the choke.
"wher, wher, wher", I held down the accelerator, "whhheeeeeeeerrr," let off it, "wher, wher," hit it again, "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," and let off, "wher, wher."
"Wow," I thought, it was loud.
My brain brought up child support and custody arrangements, and the scene of my daughter not wanting to spend time with me. I had an image of a small child refusing to stay with her estranged father, screaming and not wanting the mother to leave. Not sure where I got that memory from, but it was nothing I ever experience in person. TV I'm sure.
I walked to the front yard, "wher, wher, wher", with the chainsaw in hand, I looked at my objective:
"wher, wher, wher, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
In the prior weeks, before it happened, I had attempted to clear the side yard next to my house with a reciprocating saw. Just a small weekend project, and it was slow boring work. From the moment the Homelite 44CC chainsaw touched those bushes it was over. Butter gives more resistance, I completely went at it. There is a great deal of satisfaction in having the right tool for the job.
A city drainage ditch was behind the overgrowth, with a steep incline, and after cutting a path through to the ditch, I stood below and recklessly cut through the base of the vines and bushes letting them fall backward into the ditch. There were several decent size trees holding all the crap up; some up to 5 inches in diameter, and with a look of determination and ease I went at them like everything else.
While cutting I noticed a man on bicycle pull up on the sidewalk. I could tell he was about to speak to me, and something about having your nuts kicked in, makes a man a little more humble, so I turned off the chainsaw to hear him out. He slowly took out his earbuds and put down his kickstand. He had a plan.
"Hey sir, I saw you down there working, I have a lot of experience with cutting trees, cut all kind of trees," he said.
"I want to do it," I said with a blank look on my face.
"You going to cut all this down, all the way back to the fence?"
"Yes."
"Look man, pay me, and I'll do it for you."
"No, I need this."
"Man, you can get hurt cutting all those trees. You know that chainsaw can kickback?"
"No, I really need this," I said again.
"Man, I use to climb up in trees, big ole trees, whole crew of us would take down trees bigger than that oak," and he pointed to the huge water oak in my front yard. "We had ropes, and all kinds of saws. I do it for you real quick."
I looked at him blankly and said,
"My wife told me she doesn't love me and wants a divorce. Says she never loved me. She wrote it all out in a letter and handed it to me last night. Told me I could still see my 5 month old daughter every other weekend if I wanted. She would bring her right on over when I wanted to see her. She said she would have more kids, but it wouldn't be with me. That letter was 5 pages long, and she asked me to be nice to her about all this."
I paused and looked at the ditch, and then looked at him.
"I really need this, and when I get done here, I'm going to cut down that tree," I pointed towards the Oak, "and then I'm going to cut down their trees," I pointed towards the neighbor's house.
"I'm going to cut down every tree on this street," I said getting louder.
The man put his earbuds back in his ears, and kicked up the kickstand.
"I'm sorry I bothered you," he said and left on the bicycle.
"wheeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrr."
My lack of experience created a situation on the larger brush trees. I would cut straight through the base, and the weight of the tree would stop the chain before I finished cutting. I would try to push the tree over slightly, and pry out the stopped chainsaw. It was slowing me down and pissing me off.
It eventually knocked off the chain with the engine still running and the chain got stuck in the kickback guard on the tip of the bar. The engine made a crunching noise still trying to move the chain.
"Fuck"
I was sweating and covered in sawdust, and sat on the porch and took off the bar and chain. The Homelite has a chainsaw tool included with it. When trying to put the chain back on the bar, it would not slide back on. The inner teeth of the chain were bent and mangled, and the chain wouldn't fit in the grooves. I stared out at the yard wondering what was next for my life.
I saw my wife walking down the sidewalk towards our house. The dogs sniffed me, and she said, "it's so hot outside, we didn't do our normal walk."
I didn't respond and she went inside.
I was determined I was not going to speak to her that day. I had a plan to find solace in the yard work, and it was pointless to even say anything.
I walked in the house as she was looking at her phone and sitting on the couch.
I stared at her.
"What?" she asked.
"I'm just amazed at how fucking selfish you are."
I gave up on my plan of the reserved man in pain.
"Ray, I'm sorry, what do you want me to say, I'm sorry," she said raising her voice.
"Why the fuck did you marry me, if you didn't love me? No, no don't say anything, who the fuck does something like that. Why did you pressure me to have a child, if you didn't love me? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"I'm sorry," she was crying.
"No, you aren't sorry, you are sorry you are going through this inconvenience, you are incapable of being sorry. For anyone to do something like this has to be completely insane."
"Fuck you, Ray."
"Either you are completely insane, or you did all this just get a baby and money from a divorce."
"I didn't want this to happen, I'm so sorry."
"If you didn't love me why the fuck did you marry me?"
"I couldn't stop the marriage, you wanted to get married so bad," she said.
"Are you fucking kidding," spit flew out of mouth, "we were in pre-fucking-marital counseling, and I told you I didn't feel secure, and you fucking assured me you loved me."
"I thought I did."
"How the fuck can you do this to our daughter?" I asked.
"I'm leaving, I'm leaving I have to get out of here."
"Don't fucking leave, I'm going to Home Depot, that piece of shit I bought is fucked up."
"Ray, I cannot take this."
"I'm leaving."
I drove to the store, hoping I was just dreaming, that this was just a dream, that I would just wake up from this nightmare. A real live nightmare.
I stopped at Taco Bell on the way to Home Depot and an acquaintance called me, I almost told him my situation, but instead I just sat in awkwardness and he eventually let me go.
-----------------
"Wait Ray, what do you mean you sat in awkwardness?" said Mr Harkins.
"Oh, like I just didn't say anything on the phone. I didn't reply to anything he said, expect maybe for yes or no. It's really awkward to do that to someone."
"Oh okay, I got it go on."
-----------------
I ate my two bean burritos in the Home Depot parking lot, and washed it down with diet Pepsi.
I bought two more chains, more 2 cycle premixed gas, and more rope.
-----------------
"You keep mentioning rope, what was that for?"
"Oh, I guess i didn't even mention that part. That's actually kind of funny now, but not really then."
-----------------
I went back home and her and the baby were gone, and I had a feeling of, 'get use to it.' I sat on the porch and put a new chain on the saw, and while changing it I noticed a tile we had on the porch that said, "The Sanpocks: Ray and Shitney."
----------------
"It really said that?"
I laughed, "no, of course not.."
---------------
I picked the tile up and slung it into the ditch from the porch, and to my disappointment it didn't even break. Maybe a corner chipped off. It was like a floor tie, with vinyl letters. One of the many stupid wedding or wedding shower presents we got.
I went back to cutting, and a lot of large branches and trees were falling into the ditch. I pulled my car into the front yard and opened the hatchback. I tied the rope to the lock hatches, and then to the branches in the ditch. I got in the car, slammed on the gas, spun out digging ruts into the yard. The branches came right out.
In hindsight, I would be so embarrassed to do something like that, but I couldn't have cared less then. The crazier my actions the better I felt. I wanted to really take it there to feel something different from what I was feeling. A huge pile of branches and brush were piling up in front of the house.
I knew cutting down the Oak was dumb and dangerous, but I felt like I had to try.
I got my extension ladder and started on the largest branch. It hung over my drive way and out into the road. I realized pretty quick oak is a hell of a lot harder than privet bushes and weed trees.
The water oak was at least 70 years old. Probably been there since the house was built in '41. I can picture a small tree held up with sticks and twine, the cars from the 40s flying by what was probably a 2 lane Central Ave, in a lot of new construction.
"This tree has lived a lot of years, seen a lot of stuff, but I'm sorry ole girl you gotta come down. I need this" I said aloud and patting the tree. I was covered in sawdust, oil, and sweat.
I made one big V cut to start on the branch, and got almost half way before starting in the opposite direction. As I started on the second part of the V, my buddy came by from before: the man on the bike.
"Man, what is you doing?" he asked.
"I have to do this."
"That branch is going to full right down into the road, you could kill someone."
"Naw man, I'm going tie the car to it, and pull it down into the yard. This has to happen."
Thank God no one was hurt. It sounded like an explosion when the weight of the branch pulled it down when i was half way into it. Took me about 2 hours. The blade kept getting stuck.
Really surprised I wasn't arrested, the road was blocked. The look on Whitney's face when she came back home and the road was roped off with cops cars and the neighbors were all outside looking at the tree. The blue lights flashing and the look she was giving as she parked down the street and got our daughter out of the car. The satisfaction of completing going over the top, the release, the catharsis, was such a relief.
She walked up, "Oh my God Ray, what the hell happened?"
"Craziest thing, I was out here working on the ditch, and heard this loud crack, I looked over and the branch fell off the oak. So glad there weren't any cars coming when it happened and no one got hurt."
I had the biggest smirk on my face: I felt better.
"Wait, what? You were using your chainsaw over there," I interrupted, "that chainsaw is a piece of shit. I was just pulling out bushes when that limb fell," bigger smirk.
The look of disbelief as she looked at me and then the branch was one of the fondest memories of our marriage besides the birth or our daughter. Mouth dropped, and the face she put on for the neighbors who had no idea of what was happening in our lives.
The feelings of satisfaction were so intense, I felt an epiphany forming, no a spiritual awaking was taking place: if I could take a chainsaw to an oak tree, block traffic on Central Ave and our driveway, and actually feel better, actually feel great, how bad really was this situation? We had only been married a year and half, I was miserable most of that time. Always wanting her to love me, and not even realizing I didn't even love her.
This wasn't the end of the world. I basically just took down an oak tree with my bare hands. Why feel sorry for myself? I was a complete bad ass.
I bought a chainsaw, 2 Cycle premixed 50:1 ratio gas in a metal can, bar oil, 100 yards of rope, and then set in the parking lot staring out the windshield. The shock was preventing me from moving. I knew people go through much worse, but I felt this was the worst experience of my life.
I came home to the dogs, the baby, and my wife gone. Her car was there, so I knew she was walking the dogs with our 5 1/2 month old strapped to her back.
I tried to open the chainsaw box, but it had large metal staples holding down the flaps. I attempted to pry them apart with a screwdriver but just end stabbing the box and stomping my foot down on the cardboard. The manual, accessories, and red chain saw fall out on the ground. It was the cheapest gas model Home Depot sold.
"I've ridden scooters that were 49CC, damn these little things are powerful." I thought.
I slowly poured in the pre-mixed 2 cycle gas, and the bar chain oil - keeps the chain oiled while cutting, and literally just comes out on the chain as it moves through the unit.
There was a brief moment when I didn't feel the pain as I pumped the primer, extended the choke, and pulled on the cord. The low rumble and white smoke made me okay for a minute and I pushed in the choke.
"wher, wher, wher", I held down the accelerator, "whhheeeeeeeerrr," let off it, "wher, wher," hit it again, "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr," and let off, "wher, wher."
"Wow," I thought, it was loud.
My brain brought up child support and custody arrangements, and the scene of my daughter not wanting to spend time with me. I had an image of a small child refusing to stay with her estranged father, screaming and not wanting the mother to leave. Not sure where I got that memory from, but it was nothing I ever experience in person. TV I'm sure.
I walked to the front yard, "wher, wher, wher", with the chainsaw in hand, I looked at my objective:
"wher, wher, wher, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"
In the prior weeks, before it happened, I had attempted to clear the side yard next to my house with a reciprocating saw. Just a small weekend project, and it was slow boring work. From the moment the Homelite 44CC chainsaw touched those bushes it was over. Butter gives more resistance, I completely went at it. There is a great deal of satisfaction in having the right tool for the job.
A city drainage ditch was behind the overgrowth, with a steep incline, and after cutting a path through to the ditch, I stood below and recklessly cut through the base of the vines and bushes letting them fall backward into the ditch. There were several decent size trees holding all the crap up; some up to 5 inches in diameter, and with a look of determination and ease I went at them like everything else.
While cutting I noticed a man on bicycle pull up on the sidewalk. I could tell he was about to speak to me, and something about having your nuts kicked in, makes a man a little more humble, so I turned off the chainsaw to hear him out. He slowly took out his earbuds and put down his kickstand. He had a plan.
"Hey sir, I saw you down there working, I have a lot of experience with cutting trees, cut all kind of trees," he said.
"I want to do it," I said with a blank look on my face.
"You going to cut all this down, all the way back to the fence?"
"Yes."
"Look man, pay me, and I'll do it for you."
"No, I need this."
"Man, you can get hurt cutting all those trees. You know that chainsaw can kickback?"
"No, I really need this," I said again.
"Man, I use to climb up in trees, big ole trees, whole crew of us would take down trees bigger than that oak," and he pointed to the huge water oak in my front yard. "We had ropes, and all kinds of saws. I do it for you real quick."
I looked at him blankly and said,
"My wife told me she doesn't love me and wants a divorce. Says she never loved me. She wrote it all out in a letter and handed it to me last night. Told me I could still see my 5 month old daughter every other weekend if I wanted. She would bring her right on over when I wanted to see her. She said she would have more kids, but it wouldn't be with me. That letter was 5 pages long, and she asked me to be nice to her about all this."
I paused and looked at the ditch, and then looked at him.
"I really need this, and when I get done here, I'm going to cut down that tree," I pointed towards the Oak, "and then I'm going to cut down their trees," I pointed towards the neighbor's house.
"I'm going to cut down every tree on this street," I said getting louder.
The man put his earbuds back in his ears, and kicked up the kickstand.
"I'm sorry I bothered you," he said and left on the bicycle.
"wheeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrr."
My lack of experience created a situation on the larger brush trees. I would cut straight through the base, and the weight of the tree would stop the chain before I finished cutting. I would try to push the tree over slightly, and pry out the stopped chainsaw. It was slowing me down and pissing me off.
It eventually knocked off the chain with the engine still running and the chain got stuck in the kickback guard on the tip of the bar. The engine made a crunching noise still trying to move the chain.
"Fuck"
I was sweating and covered in sawdust, and sat on the porch and took off the bar and chain. The Homelite has a chainsaw tool included with it. When trying to put the chain back on the bar, it would not slide back on. The inner teeth of the chain were bent and mangled, and the chain wouldn't fit in the grooves. I stared out at the yard wondering what was next for my life.
I saw my wife walking down the sidewalk towards our house. The dogs sniffed me, and she said, "it's so hot outside, we didn't do our normal walk."
I didn't respond and she went inside.
I was determined I was not going to speak to her that day. I had a plan to find solace in the yard work, and it was pointless to even say anything.
I walked in the house as she was looking at her phone and sitting on the couch.
I stared at her.
"What?" she asked.
"I'm just amazed at how fucking selfish you are."
I gave up on my plan of the reserved man in pain.
"Ray, I'm sorry, what do you want me to say, I'm sorry," she said raising her voice.
"Why the fuck did you marry me, if you didn't love me? No, no don't say anything, who the fuck does something like that. Why did you pressure me to have a child, if you didn't love me? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"I'm sorry," she was crying.
"No, you aren't sorry, you are sorry you are going through this inconvenience, you are incapable of being sorry. For anyone to do something like this has to be completely insane."
"Fuck you, Ray."
"Either you are completely insane, or you did all this just get a baby and money from a divorce."
"I didn't want this to happen, I'm so sorry."
"If you didn't love me why the fuck did you marry me?"
"I couldn't stop the marriage, you wanted to get married so bad," she said.
"Are you fucking kidding," spit flew out of mouth, "we were in pre-fucking-marital counseling, and I told you I didn't feel secure, and you fucking assured me you loved me."
"I thought I did."
"How the fuck can you do this to our daughter?" I asked.
"I'm leaving, I'm leaving I have to get out of here."
"Don't fucking leave, I'm going to Home Depot, that piece of shit I bought is fucked up."
"Ray, I cannot take this."
"I'm leaving."
I drove to the store, hoping I was just dreaming, that this was just a dream, that I would just wake up from this nightmare. A real live nightmare.
I stopped at Taco Bell on the way to Home Depot and an acquaintance called me, I almost told him my situation, but instead I just sat in awkwardness and he eventually let me go.
-----------------
"Wait Ray, what do you mean you sat in awkwardness?" said Mr Harkins.
"Oh, like I just didn't say anything on the phone. I didn't reply to anything he said, expect maybe for yes or no. It's really awkward to do that to someone."
"Oh okay, I got it go on."
-----------------
I ate my two bean burritos in the Home Depot parking lot, and washed it down with diet Pepsi.
I bought two more chains, more 2 cycle premixed gas, and more rope.
-----------------
"You keep mentioning rope, what was that for?"
"Oh, I guess i didn't even mention that part. That's actually kind of funny now, but not really then."
-----------------
I went back home and her and the baby were gone, and I had a feeling of, 'get use to it.' I sat on the porch and put a new chain on the saw, and while changing it I noticed a tile we had on the porch that said, "The Sanpocks: Ray and Shitney."
----------------
"It really said that?"
I laughed, "no, of course not.."
---------------
I picked the tile up and slung it into the ditch from the porch, and to my disappointment it didn't even break. Maybe a corner chipped off. It was like a floor tie, with vinyl letters. One of the many stupid wedding or wedding shower presents we got.
I went back to cutting, and a lot of large branches and trees were falling into the ditch. I pulled my car into the front yard and opened the hatchback. I tied the rope to the lock hatches, and then to the branches in the ditch. I got in the car, slammed on the gas, spun out digging ruts into the yard. The branches came right out.
In hindsight, I would be so embarrassed to do something like that, but I couldn't have cared less then. The crazier my actions the better I felt. I wanted to really take it there to feel something different from what I was feeling. A huge pile of branches and brush were piling up in front of the house.
I knew cutting down the Oak was dumb and dangerous, but I felt like I had to try.
I got my extension ladder and started on the largest branch. It hung over my drive way and out into the road. I realized pretty quick oak is a hell of a lot harder than privet bushes and weed trees.
The water oak was at least 70 years old. Probably been there since the house was built in '41. I can picture a small tree held up with sticks and twine, the cars from the 40s flying by what was probably a 2 lane Central Ave, in a lot of new construction.
"This tree has lived a lot of years, seen a lot of stuff, but I'm sorry ole girl you gotta come down. I need this" I said aloud and patting the tree. I was covered in sawdust, oil, and sweat.
I made one big V cut to start on the branch, and got almost half way before starting in the opposite direction. As I started on the second part of the V, my buddy came by from before: the man on the bike.
"Man, what is you doing?" he asked.
"I have to do this."
"That branch is going to full right down into the road, you could kill someone."
"Naw man, I'm going tie the car to it, and pull it down into the yard. This has to happen."
Thank God no one was hurt. It sounded like an explosion when the weight of the branch pulled it down when i was half way into it. Took me about 2 hours. The blade kept getting stuck.
Really surprised I wasn't arrested, the road was blocked. The look on Whitney's face when she came back home and the road was roped off with cops cars and the neighbors were all outside looking at the tree. The blue lights flashing and the look she was giving as she parked down the street and got our daughter out of the car. The satisfaction of completing going over the top, the release, the catharsis, was such a relief.
She walked up, "Oh my God Ray, what the hell happened?"
"Craziest thing, I was out here working on the ditch, and heard this loud crack, I looked over and the branch fell off the oak. So glad there weren't any cars coming when it happened and no one got hurt."
I had the biggest smirk on my face: I felt better.
"Wait, what? You were using your chainsaw over there," I interrupted, "that chainsaw is a piece of shit. I was just pulling out bushes when that limb fell," bigger smirk.
The look of disbelief as she looked at me and then the branch was one of the fondest memories of our marriage besides the birth or our daughter. Mouth dropped, and the face she put on for the neighbors who had no idea of what was happening in our lives.
The feelings of satisfaction were so intense, I felt an epiphany forming, no a spiritual awaking was taking place: if I could take a chainsaw to an oak tree, block traffic on Central Ave and our driveway, and actually feel better, actually feel great, how bad really was this situation? We had only been married a year and half, I was miserable most of that time. Always wanting her to love me, and not even realizing I didn't even love her.
This wasn't the end of the world. I basically just took down an oak tree with my bare hands. Why feel sorry for myself? I was a complete bad ass.
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